Washington DC - The President has started a hush-hash course of anti-Ebola therapy involving a dozen daily shots according to White House barman Dru P Weiner.
The day begins with a Kahlua cocktail made from Shady Hollow-grown, hand-picked Arabica coffee hasbeens washed down by a shot of neat bourbon.
For Elevenses Obama takes a snifter of medicinal tincture of cannabis administered the French Way via a rectal suppository strictly in accordance with White House approved colonic irrigation protocols (WTF dat? -'Ed').
Lunchtime sees an intarvenous Jack Daniels drip pump the high octane pick-me-up strait into his venous system followed by a quart of Wild Turkey.
And so on and so forth.
Commenting on the regime Weiner says it's the first time a shitting - uh, sitting! - President has undergone such an intensive program against a known deadly pathogen.
"Sure, Dubya had to hunker down and take his shots," Dru P chuckled, "mostly anti-rabies and anti-pretzel stuff during Operation Schmuck and Awe.
"But this is the first time White House medics have insisted on Obama pot-shots, probably shows just how bad things have spiralled out of control."