Pathogen Rights Groups Protest Ebola Measures

Written by James Grossmann

Sunday, 26 October 2014

PULMONATA UNIVERSITY, Oct. 27: Hundreds of representatives of pathogen rights groups converged on Pulmonata University's Granite Square today to voice their opposition to government efforts to stamp out Ebola.

Asked to explain her attempts to halt the development of more effective treatments for the disease, Dr. Velvita Quiche, president of the Disease Germ Liberation Front, said "I know that Ebola viruses and humans don't get along, but is that the Ebola virus's fault? Just look at this picture of this cute and innocent little virus. Doesn't it look like one of those animal sculptures that clowns make out of long balloons? How can we callously slaughter billions of viruses who have never tried to hurt anyone on purpose?"

Joining Dr. Quiche in the protest was Martin Pestis, head of the People for Pathogen Pets. While reading the PPP Manifesto to eager crowds, Pestis stated that "The day will come when humans look upon the viral kingdom with a sense of kinship, and welcome our virus friends into their homes."

Other protestors stood for hours in the cold and rain, some carrying placards that read "Yes, we also want to catch a cold."

Notably absent from the rally were current victims of Ebola, many of whom stated that they were too busy hemorrhaging to attend the event or comment on this story.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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