To Woo Women Voters, Republicans to Hand Out Free Rape Kits at Their National Convention in 2016

Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

image for To Woo Women Voters, Republicans to Hand Out Free Rape Kits at Their National Convention in 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C.-With Barack Obama winning the women's vote nearly 56% to 44% over his challenger Mitt Romney, Republicans are poised, in 2016, to woo back the women's vote. Their secret plan: To hand out free rape kits to women leading up to and at their national convention to be held in Cleveland in 2016.

The kit, according to a spokesman for Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, will contain a cross, a sterile coat hanger, a Bible, a vaginal probe, and an aspirin, the latter as an inexpensive form of contraception, which was an addition insisted on by Rick Santorum supporter Foster Freiss, who explained in 2012: "This contraceptive thing, my gosh it's such [sic] inexpensive. Back in my days, they used Bayer Aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn't that costly."

The sterile coat hanger, according to one-time Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, is for women who don't, as he put it, want the "gift from God" that can result from a rape. Since Republicans are trying to shut down the four remaining abortion clinics still in the Hoosier state, a now enlightened Mourdock believes that women should have some way of removing God's little gift should they choose to exercise their reproductive prerogative. "But," added failed Senate candidate Todd Akin, "these coat hangers should only be used as a last resort, and only in the case of a legitimate rape."

However, according to Reince Priebus, the Republican Party still supports life and sincerely hopes that a woman, under no circumstance, ever considers ending a pregnancy. That's why, according to Priebus, the rape kit includes a vaginal probe, which can be monogrammed with the name of a victim's rapist, should the victim decide she wants to keep his gift from God and unite with him in Holy Matrimony, once his prison sentence has ended.

Finally, the Bible and cross were the idea of one-time presidential candidate and Baptist Minister Mike Huckabee, who reminds us that lots of "good people" are the result of forcible rape: "Ethel Waters, for example, was the result of a forcible rape. I used to work for James Robison back in the 1970s, he leads a large Christian organization. He, himself, was the result of a forcible rape. And so I know it happens, and yet even from those horrible, horrible tragedies of rape, which are inexcusable and indefensible, life has come and sometimes, you know, those people are able to do extraordinary things." Huckabee, as anyone knows who listens to his rants on his weekly show, Huckabee, was himself the result of a partial birth abortion, an abortion he miraculously survived with part of his brain still intact.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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