Rescue drama as tidal surge of algal bloom swamps Starbucks CEO's Hamptons beachfront

Funny story written by queen mudder

Saturday, 12 July 2014

image for Rescue drama as tidal surge of algal bloom swamps Starbucks CEO's Hamptons beachfront
Oh no, something's superglued Grandpa to the deckchair, Mommy...

Long Island, NY - Long Island Pest Control lifeboats were out in force this weekend when a red tide of algal bloom slimed the beach at Howard Schultz's Gracie Lane teardown bringing phytoplanktonic chaos (WTF dat? - 'Ed') to the East Hampton spread.

Marine first responders fought for hours using laser-guided cutting equipment to free Mr Schultz from a beachside deckchair covered in the hexoplasm-like gunk.

The billionaire Starbucks chain owner had just been relaxing oceanside with a little postprandial nap when the sudden algal surge struck from the deep.

According to witness reports the blooms are caused by bioluminescent dinoflagellates 'like Noctiluca scintillans' which harden to a glue-like substance within seconds of exposure to the searing sun.

This evening Mr Schultz was back home from East Hampton Emergency Room where he'd been treated for sucker-like burns.

Surgeons suspect microscopic jellyfish may also have been lurking in the invading algal bloom whose sudden flowering under the waxing Thunder - or Buck - Full Moon is something of a legend around South Fork.

The price of a Montauk frappuccino remains five bucks.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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