Local Hero Makes Bread Heel Sandwich

Funny story written by T. J. Carter

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Around lunchtime yesterday, area man Francis Parker stunned his housemates when he made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This wasn't a normal sandwich, however; instead of foregoing the bread heel and selecting two non-heel slices - as any sane person would do - Parker removed the heel slice.

He wasn't done; Parker proceeded to reach deep into the bread bag and remove the heel at the other end of the loaf. He then applied peanut butter and jelly to the heels as if they were normal, god-fearing bread slices.

"At first, I didn't notice anything strange about his sandwich," said Sandra, one of Parker's roommates. "Then I saw that it was made with not one, but two heel slices. My eyes began to water and I mouthed a silent thank you."

Parker ate his bread heel abomination quietly in the living room. At no point did his face betray feelings of disgust, anger, or discomfort.

"I usually skip the heel and use normal slices for my sandwiches; so do our other roommates; so does everyone on the planet." said Sandra. "Most of the time, the heels sit in the bag until they grow mold or until one of us throws them away. But Francis - he's different. He's a true hero. I will remember him forever for this."

Parker's other roommates spent much of yesterday grappling with complex emotions and attempting to understand Parker's selfless act of bravery.

"I mean, does he realize that the heel is essentially all crust?" asked Lee, another roommate. "Disgusting. Why would you do that to yourself? Francis was an idiot. An amazing, beautiful idiot."

Wilson, the fourth roommate in the house, had some strong words of condemnation for Parker's deed: "No one points out that Francis used the rest of the strawberry jelly to make that sandwich. Now we're all out of jelly. Also, I'm pretty sure he touched every single piece of bread while he was trying to reach the second heel slice. Francis wasn't a hero; he was a flawed, scared human being-just like the rest of us."

"Why is everyone talking about me like I'm dead?" asked Parker. "I just ate a sandwich that was kind of weird. I'm definitely still alive. Guys? Hello?"

A memorial service and celebration of life for Parker will be held on Saturday.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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