Mark Twain Returns To Earth, Savages U.S.

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

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Mark Twain, who famously lampooned Christianity and the lifestyle in the U.S., human sexuality, and indeed all human beings, has returned to earth.

He has been reincarnated in the form of a blogger and is published by both the print and electronic media. He has been writing under the name "Samuel Clemens" his birth name in his former life.

Since supposed memories of past lives is the only proof of reincarnation I put questions to Twain that only he could answer about a previous existence. He more than passed the examination.

Of interest to Americans are his attacks on the foibles of the United States in 2014.

"The U.S. spends trillions to maintain a world empire and seeks to impose its "values" on other countries, but what are its values? It is always ready to poised to commence military offensives against them as it is against its own ghetto inhabitants and social justice protestors."

" Values? Americans don't need art, music or books. They need huge televisions, sports, news and very few ideas. When they can get them: Big houses, big new cars, big new TV's, shopping."

"For theater and dance in elementary schools, the percentages of schools making these art forms available in the U.S. are 3 percent! That's the same percentage of people who buy classical music cd's. Hardly anyone goes to theatre, concerts, opera, ballet without their colostomy bags or butt plugs," said Twain.

"But here's the thing: A large number who go to these and other cultural events won't admit to their friends that they do! They're afraid of being called 'elitist" or "effeminate" if they're men. In other words, being civilized in an embarrassment in the U.S."

"Of course the major entertainment of the medieval citizenry in America in movies, TV, videogames and internet which feature porn, murder, violence war, torture, and imprisonment, " exclaimed the reincarnated Twain.

"What aggravates me is that America hasn't won a real war since 1945 yet it treats them, like the war in Iraq, as some sort of a holiday frolic. And after the wars are over it forgets the savagery and horror. America loves the military but acts shabbily toward its veterans. And it wants to impose its 'values' on the world?"

Clearly, most Americans today would do what his contemporaries did in his past life: Call him "a demented man lacking in patriotism."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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