The Hulk Comes Out as Gay

Funny story written by Jill The Shill

Monday, 10 March 2014


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Yoo Hoo! Smashing here!

The Incredible Hulk abruptly came out as gay leaving a sudden, gaping hole in the GOP's anti-gay agenda. "Hulk SMASH closet!" said the huge, green monster, sporting a smug grin and semi-erection as he crashed to the ground with a "THOOMP!!" and broke up an anti-gay rally in South Carolina. "Holy crap! I hope he doesn't fancy me!" republican Senator Lindsay Graham screamed like a little girl as he rushed out of the area shielding his butt with his hands like a delicate flower.

Clearing his throat, The Incredible Hulk clarified his political position. "Sorry for the noisy manifestation surrounding my arrival, but it's kind of hard to get leg room on commercial flights these days. I just want to reasonably convince those opponents to same sex marriage that the love of two people does not diminish the foundation of marriage in any way. Could you see it in your hearts to cease this hurtful battle of matrimonial exclusion?" he asked softly.

The crowd sighed in unison and Speaker John Boehner was observed sobbing quietly...again. Even Rand Paul seemed genuinely moved by the Green Giant's heartfelt words until Ted Cruz tried to capitalize on the moment with a hand on his ass.

"What the...? Don't touch me, man!" Paul barked, causing Cruz to cower back into the shadows with a feral hiss. As the crowd moved slowly towards the formerly fearful spectacle that was The Hulk, reconciliation was in the air. Then along came Palin.

"I don't like green eggs and ham!" she sneered. "I do not like them, BAM-A-LAM!" She felt a hand on her shoulder. "Careful," whispered Mitch McConnell from behind a rock. "If he decides to go all teabag on your crazy ass, those green eggs will make pulp out of what's left of your brain! And I can't imagine what he might do with with that ham!" But Palin would not be deterred.

"I'm not afraid of this big green monkey!" she said defiantly. "I've got the Fantastic Four backing me up. The Thing is hung even better, plus he's ribbed for my pleasure!" she bragged. "The Hulk doesn't look that incredible to me. More like The Mediocre Hulk from where I'm standing! Just like O-BAM-a's health care plan!" And that's when the fight started.

The Hulk was joined by Thor's "sensitive" brother Loki and even Captain America, who while not gay issued the challenge, "Call me a butt pirate, futermukers, and see what you get!" In an epic comic book showdown, they squared off against the Fantastic Four joined by Dr. Strange fighting for polygamy rights, "just not the gay kind". As the mortals ran for the hills, super heroes and villains alike realigned themselves according to sexual orientation. The battle lasted for days, destroying most of the state which was intellectually running on fumes anyway. Ironman Tony Stark took no side since he was just there to watch.

Ironically, in the destructive aftermath no clear winner was apparent. No traces of Sarah Palin or The Incredible Hulk were found, either.

Fast forward several years and they will be discovered by a wayward explorer who happens upon Palin and The Hulk living in relative seclusion as a couple in a remote part of Alaska. Sure, their politics occasionally clash, but The Hulk will take it all in stride, incredibly without losing his temper. When asked about the key to his heterosexual happiness with such a notorious shrew, The Hulk will remark, "Well, you have to admit...she's really got a mouth on her! Hulk BUH-DUMP-BUMP!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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