Voluptuous Boeing Spokeswoman Silences Media

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 16 December 2013

The machinists union in Washington rejected a long-term labor deal proposed by Boeing several weeks ago. The proposed pack was "take-back bargaining" and a very bad deal for the union.

Without having access to machinists, the initial response of the Boeing Company was to say it was moving to Bangladesh. A Boeing spokesperson at the time said that, "Bangladesh will enable Boeing to greatly increase its new airplane 777X profits because the corrupt government discourages labor unions and does not enforce building codes and safety standards."

But upon arrival in that country, to access where its new plant sites would be, Boeing officials were threatened by angry mobs demanding that Wal-Mart and J.C.Penny pay compensation for the victims who were burned, maimed or died in collapsed buildings and fires in Bangladesh where they did business.

"Tell your corporation buddies at Wal-Mart to pay up, you bastards," shouted one fist-shaking man. Others cried that Americans were not welcome in their country. Rocks and bottles were thrown at the Boeing executives and their government-provided armed guards.

At a hastily assembled press conference today in Seattle, a Boeing spokeswoman stated that the company had decided, after the most careful consideration of all the facts, that it would not be making the move to Bangladesh after all.

Before saying it would re-locate there, Boeing had sparked a nationwide competition among states trying to become home to a new assembly plant that will build the aerospace giant's new 777X jetliner. Some states had promised huge subsidies to the corporation.
Now these states are back in business trying to get the giant aircraft company to re-locate in their states.

At the Seattle news conference today Boeing Spokeswoman Sally Sonderburgensteinholder was peppered with questions, most of them hostile.

"You didn't think the machinist's union could take such a terrible deal as Boeing offered did you Sally? Of course you didn't. Now you're taking away thousands of Seattle jobs and are hated in the city. You don't give a damn do you?," asked a reporter from the Seattle News Post.

Ms. Sonderburgensteinholder responded that Boeing thought, "the big hairy-chested machinists" had no choice but to approve the "dreadful" contract offer from the company. She continued, "I personally don't want to leave the Space Needle. "It's just so, well, phallic!" She continued that Boeing had no plans to leave Seattle and was shocked when the union workers turned down the contract.

When asked if it was true, now that Boeing wasn't going to move abroad, that the company was looking to re-locate in right-to work states like Alabama and Texas, Ms Sonderburgensteinhilder said that she was personally enamored of Governor Rick Perry because of his "big belt." Perry has said that he would "sell my cow pie-kicking boots to get them big planes built in Texas."

"I do hope we move to the Lone Star State but there are other right-to- work states in contention. Any one of them will enable Boeing to manifest the great American value of the bottom line. It's all about profits honey," Sonderburgensteinholder said.

"We can do just fine in Alabama, North Carolina. or wherever these right-to-work laws exist. They just make it impossible for the hairy chested to unionize and have good-paying jobs, benefits and working conditions. "

And we just love it that in Texas and elsewhere, because you don't have to fire workers for 'just cause,' If they just look at one of our supervisors in the wrong way, we'll be able to can their asses, darling."

When Seattle's KROK newscaster, Peter Peter, asked the Boeing Spokeswoman if the "exploitative, unfair treatment" of workers she was proposing wouldn't endanger the quality of work put into the new 777X, she said that it was "not at her pay grade level" to be able to respond to the inquiry.

However, Ms. Sonderburgensteinholder did speculate, "Well, I suppose, honey, if the pilot gets the big thing in an erect position and he can maintain it up there, that's all that matters."

At this point the male reporters seemed to be open-mouthed and asked no more questions. Actually, Ms. Sonderburgensteinholder could easily have been a "stand-in" for Marilyn Monroe, except sexier. Female media seemed confused, one shook her head in disbelief. None asked nothing further.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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