Enraged Senators Schumer, Cruz Come Close to Blows on Senate Floor

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

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WASHINGTON (AP) - On the eve of the massacre of children at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newton, The National Rifle Association won another victory. The victory shows the enormous power and control of the association over obedient members of the U.S. Senate. It is as if the NRA played the role of a dominatrix over a submissive, whip in hand, threatening to cut off the member. The cut off relates to future campaign financing, adverting through anonymous groups, providing campaign workers and the like. To get such support, it is as if the member must assume the position and comply with NRA voting instructions on gun control.

Congress voted Monday to renew an expiring ban on plastic firearms that can evade detection machines. But NRA controlled Republicans blocked an effort to toughen the restrictions - the latest defeat for gun-control forces in the year since the grade school massacre in Newtown, Conn.

As background, 3D-printers now can use computer-assisted design (CAD) blueprints, downloadable over the Internet, as a template to print solid objects out of raw plastic polymers. This technology allows for the creation of handguns

GOP senators rejected an effort by Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., to strengthen the ban by requiring that such weapons contain undetachable metal parts so that they can be detected at airports, stadiums, schools, and other public locations.

"Who in God's name wants to let plastic guns pass through metal detectors at airports or stadiums?" Schumer asked during the Senate debate.

Senator Ted Cruz R-TX. Responded "Let me say to my dear friend from the State of New York. which some in my fair State say should be cut off and left to drift out to sea, that he does not seem to have not read the fourth amendment to the Constitution of The United States.

Cruz continued, "It reads, 'A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.'"

Senator Schumer, unimpressed, shot back, "These people with undetectable plastic guns, are they members of some militia who have the right to bear such guns without irremovable metal."

Cruz stated that Schumer's understanding of the fourth amendment was incorrect, that gun rights aren't limited to militias. Schumer gave a response.

"To my good friend and colleague from the State of Texas, the state where governor Rick Perry has advocated succession from the Union--while at the same time saying he was a great American patriot, let me ask, do you think your handlers from the NRA have a plastic gun fetish?"

"What I mean is that the hand gun coming from CAD bluprints and made into plastic is, in a sense untainted, undefiled, clear of any foreign objects like metal. Do you think that your masters at the NRA think that putting metal into virgin plastic material would violate the purity of the polymer material?" inquired the New York Senator.

Senator Ted Cruz, who was a brilliant university student and considered to be one of the most intelligent members of the Senate, took the bait and lost his temper. Like so many people overwhelmed by emotion he seemed to totally lose his composure.

"I would remind my friend that showing disrespect and ridiculing a fellow Senator on the floor of the United States is prohibited."

"Senator Schumer, this is a most serious violation of the customs of this esteemed body whose public opinion approval rating is now at an all time low at 8% but will soon rise," he said.

Cruz continued, "As is well understood, people who represent urban centers of the East like Manhattan have little contact with or understanding of guns. In Texas we consider guns to be part of what it means to be a man."

"Going out with one's son in the wild and shooting, maiming or killing innocent animals forges a great bond between the father and son. It is a rite of initiation into Texas manhood. But you wouldn't know much about that, huh Senator?" asked Cruz.

Senator Schumer seemed to get caught up in the emotion of the moment. The coolness and composure that have been a big part of his persona were gone.

"Oh, there are much more important ways to measure one's manhood, buster," he exclaimed. He then told Senator Cruz that "there were studies that indicated that the size and numbers of guns owned by men was proportional to the size of their phallus. The bigger and number of guns the smaller the member. You can see it in the Senate showers, particularly in members from the Old Confederacy." said the Senator from New York.

"Just how many guns do you own, Senator Cruz? I hear you have quite a collection."

The conversation became increasingly heated and the words exchanged cannot be printed by this wire service. Both senators had to be restrained by their colleagues on their opposing sides of the aisle as they heatedly walked toward one another, fists raised. They hurled epithets at one another as they exited the senate chambers.

In the recent past the Senate has turned down legislation to expand background checks for gun buyers, a ban on assault weapons and a ban on high-capacity gun magazines.
Schumer and some of his colleagues plan to re-introduce legislation to implant metal into plastic guns. It appears that it has no chance of passing in the near future due to the whip yielding power over members of the senate by the NRA.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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