On Eve of Newton Massacre Anniversary, NRA Advocates "No Child Without Gun"

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 9 December 2013


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In a press release issued today, just before the anniversary of the Newton School Massacre,The National Rifle Association has issued a statement advocating that every child in an American classroom be armed with a weapon starting with kindergarten. To accomplish this, the NRA today launched its "Every Child With A Gun" program. State governments, local school districts, and grants from private foundations would finance it

Wayne Leper, chief spokesman for the NRA pointed out that there have been 26 school shootings since the tragedy at the Connecticut school. "We have to stop that," said the NRA. The press release stated that "although children are immature and possess underdeveloped brains" they can be taught to handle guns and shoot.

The NRA runs an "Eddie Eagle" program for children throughout the country. Although the NRA could not provide exact figures, it seems as if there are some 1 million who participate in the program. The children are taught safety rules and how to handle and discharge firearms. When the child, in these days both girls and boys, hits the bullseye on a target range the instructor usually exclaims, "Keep America free, no background checks for for the insane."

There is no problem for children accessing guns. In the U.S. guns are made for children. For the boys, there are small military style 22 caliber weapons. Petite 22 calibers come for young girls in colors like pink. Thousands of these guns have been purchased on the Internet.

The gun lobby itself markets the guns to children and actively works to discredit groups like the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) that want to strop children from having guns in the first place.

The "Eddie Eagle" program teaches gun safety rules and provides target practice. Hundreds of thousands of children have completed the program throughout the nation. They, of course are easy recruits for the NRA. The NRA statement says that "Every Child With A Gun" is a logical extension of the Eddie Eagle

First graders in Missouri now enroll in The Eddie Eagle Gunsafe program in that state. The law funding the program also requires all school Missouri teachers and administrators to have military style assault weapons in there possession at all times. Recently, some Missouri educators have complained of the difficulty of holding the heavy weapon in one hand while writing on the chalkboard with the other.

The NRA in its release contends that if every child in America had a gun at school, knowing safety rules, and having been trained how to discharge the weapon, "The bad guys might now even go on school grounds. Most of America's children would be safe at last."

When asked about the NRA's new proposal, APP's Dr. Earl C. Jones replied:

"Mr. Leper is right in saying that children are immature and have underdeveloped brains."

"But there' s more to it that of course. Research shows that children can memorize Eddie Eagle's instructions, but in real life situations children can't act upon them." stated the doctor.

Elizabeth Randel of the Center For Gun Control was incensed by the proposed program. Eddie Eagle is just" Joe Camel with feathers" she stated.

Every Child With A Gun should actually be called "Every Child At Risk" argued Ms. Randel.

"An expansion of the Eddie Eagle program is actually absurd. These kids will end up shooting each other if an intruder comes into a classroom. There could be real carnage. The NRA's just a posse of sociopaths who sell guns to kids and want to get their membership," she angrily asserted.

When contacted by telephone about the question of children with guns killing one another, instead of a classroom intruder in a real life situation NRA's Leper answered.

"Sure, if Every Child With A Gun is put into operation there will be unwanted deaths permanent paralysis, and brain deaths for of the little ones. That's bound to happen. No program is fail-safe, but the children would just be collateral damage. I think it's worth it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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