Washington, D.C. - It has recently been disclosed by a water soaked eye witness, that the use of water boarding is alive and well, and practiced in the White House basement on dissenting voices.
Alberto Fernandez, director of public diplomacy in the Bureau of Near Eastern Affairs at the State Department (home of Condoleezza "didn't connect the dots" Rice) was quoted as saying in an interview with Al-Jazeera on Saturday, "there was arrogance and there was stupidity from the United States in Iraq."
Water board time.
Next day, same diplomat, Alberto Fernandez reversed his position with an apology, claiming to have misspoke about arrogance and stupidity, "which neither represents my views or the views of the State Department." Gulp.
Prompted by the quick success at the State Department, the House Ethics Committee decided to use the water board technique in its closed door session during the Mark Foley investigation. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert may prove a physical challenge. But since Hastert voted to make water boarding legal, he should be cooperative.
Soon an accepted part of the Democratic experience - while preventing terrorism in the Homeland - the value of water boarding will become a practical tool in securing accurate and instant answers. Scientists also predict faster reactions. During Katrina, FEMA would have shot into immediate action if the possibility of a water board loomed in the future. Instead of people begging for help from rooftops, New Orleans would have resembled a health spa in the Caribbean, catered by Wolfgang Puck, music by Bono.
Then the President would have said, "Brownie, you are REALLY, REALLY, REALLY doing one heck of a job."
There are a number of questions from the past that could be answered: Why didn't Rice connect the dots? Why were warnings of planes flying into buildings ignored? Why does Dick Cheney still insist there are WMD in Iraq? Who outed CIA agent Valerie Plane?
In time, the Water Board may become a popular household necessity like the barbecue, cable television, DSL. Martha Stewart could come out with a line of Water Boards.
"Where you been all day, George?"
"Ummmm?"
Water board time. It's a good thing.
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