New Jersey Governor Signs Nation's First Anti-Wimp Bill

Written by MarsPandora

Monday, 23 September 2013

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Muscle cars in, mini-vans out.

(Trenton, New Jersey) - In an effort to bolster spirits and assist victims of Hurricane Sandy, Governor Chris Christie signed the state's first Anti-Wimp Bill. Christie said the bill was passed in an effort to "give New Jersey residents some spine."

"We have worked effortlessly to stop bullying in our state and now we want to stop being a wimp, too," Gov. Christie said after the historic signing, "Buck up, you weenies! This is Jersey!"

Many were supportive of the Governor including 12-year-old Tommy Neesnock of Hoboken, NJ, who was recently the victim of bullying in his school. "I already feel less wimpy just knowing this bill has been passed," Tommy said, "It means I can go to karate class, and maybe get a tattoo and basically kick the living shit out of that bully on the playground. Man that is gonna rock!"

Tommy's girlfriend, Tina Nutsack said, "Tommy is definitely less wimpy than he was before Governor Christie signed the bill so I guess it is a good thing."

Others in the state were not so sure, including the owner of Wimp Wear, based in Ventnor, NJ. Marc Polish, president of Wimp Wear and a self-described "uber-weenie" was upset with the bill and what it represents. "We have worked for more than a decade to make being a wimp in New Jersey acceptable," Polish said. "Now that is all being taken away from us. I feel like my company and my reputation are now in ruins."

When asked to comment of the Wimp Wear crisis, a spokesman for the Governor stated, "Be a man, you wimp!"

The Anti-Wimp bill includes incentives for doing non-wimpy things such as sky diving, off-road driving and riding motorcycles at high speeds. Men are encouraged to smoke larger cigars, drink Scotch and grow beards, while women across the state are being encouraged to use the F-Bomb more. The Governor is hopeful that the wimp-quotient will drop considerable in 2014.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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