Senate Committee Passes Appointment of New Syrian Ambassador to Full Senate

Funny story written by Winston Smith

Saturday, 7 September 2013

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The Ambassador's Private Jet Is Ready To Fly To Syria

The sharply divided Senate Foreign Relations Committee has passed Obama's new Syrian Ambassador nominee, Ambassador Tom E. Hawk, to the full Senate for a vote.

Rand Paul questioned one of Ambassador Hawk's most emphatic supporters,"Make me proud today, Secretary Kerry," the Kentucky senator began after voicing his concerns over reports President Barack Obama may send Ambassador Tom E. Hawk to Syria even if Congress disapproves. "Stand up for us and say you're going to obey the Constitution and if we vote you down - which is unlikely, by the way - you would go with what the people say through their Congress and you wouldn't go forward with an ambassador that your Congress votes against."

Sen. Paul then asked Secretary Kerry to be more specific on what the White House plans to do if Congress votes against Ambassador Tom E. Hawk being sent to Syria.

"I don't know what the decision is," Kerry answered, "but I'll tell you this … [President Obama] still has the Constitutional authority and he would be in keeping with the Constitution."

The Secretary of State, John Kerry, made a serious gaffe in his testimony before the committee when he said,"The indiscriminate slaughter of civilians, the killing of women and children and innocent bystanders, by unmanned aerial drones is a moral obscenity." Kerry's minder immediately pulled him close by the left ear and Kerry said ,"I would like to clarify that I intended to say 'chemical weapons' instead of the drones."

The debate was intense at times and Ambassador Tom E. Hawk's advocates were very passionate about the absolute necessity of his mission to Syria. His supporters even went so far as to say that world peace depended on his confirmation and first contact with the Syrians.

Senator McConnell said, "Congress and our constituents would all benefit from knowing more about what it is that can be accomplished by Ambassador Hawk in Syria and the region."

There was also a bit of levity during the hearing as Senator McCain was caught goofing-off by his minders.

While the Senate talked about whether or not to send a floral arrangement along with Ambassador Hawk to Syria, Senator McCain took time to place his bets on a video poker game. The hawkish Republican - who has advocated gifting Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad with a Brazilian harem instead of the flowers - was caught by a "photographer" as he used an online poker app on his MyPhone. According to reliable sources, the minder was tipped-off regarding McCains intransigence by NSA personnel via cochlear implant technology.

Ambassador Tom E. Hawk is widely respected in the Arab world by friend and foe alike and is anxious to return to that part of the world. Saying recently,"My full potential as an Ambassador is yet to be realized. I have been improving myself in many areas and I am much more capable in one on one direct talks with foreign dignitaries. My study of etiquette has taught me that I should announce my intention to visit with a head of State a few weeks in advance. But most of the time I just like to arrive unannounced and believe me the results are very flowerful as I release the Doves of peace into the air and surrounding buildings."

Ambassador Tom E. Hawk was previously sent on diplomatic peace missions delivering figurative olive branches to Libya, Iraq, Yugoslavia, Yemen and Sudan.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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