Bush and Congress Unite to Have Mexicans Help United States to Solve "Mexican Problem"

Funny story written by Douglas Salguod

Thursday, 21 September 2006

image for Bush and Congress Unite to Have Mexicans Help United States to Solve "Mexican Problem"
Mexican workers peer across border to admire their former home during work break while building

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President George W. Bush will sign the bill passed today by the U.S. Congress to build a wall along the entire U.S. and Mexico border. Support for the law was bipartisan and nearly unanimous as the National Border Defense and Undocumented Worker Relief Act passed the Senate by a 99 to 1 vote. The bill will use federal funds to pay Mexicans to build a barrier along the entire border with Mexico.

The two sides of the aisle were divided on why they supported the proposition. Political analysts say that even though they voted the same on this bill, the two parties are no closer to agreeing on anything than they have been, with one exception. "One thing they do agree on: the other party was stupid for voting for this bill," said Harry Satabo, a political scientist at Virginia Commonwealth University.

"The Republicans supported the bill to stop the massive influx of swarthy people who don't look at all like them," said Professor Satabo. According to Senate Majority Whip Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), "It's hard to imagine a Republican any darker than a honey-toned Cuban exile." But McConnell said the problem was deeper than just skin color. "They start out as undocumented workers but the next thing you know they'll acculturate and quickly become shiftless, lazy -- in short, Democrat."

Further, the Republicans were convinced they needed to take the political high ground. Majority Leader William H. Frist, M.D., (R-Tenn.) put it this way, "If a bill has national and defense in the title, and this bill did, we have to vote for it."

The Democrats supported the bill as a public works project reminiscent of those of Franklin Roosevelt's Works Progress Administration. Democrats were expanding their natural voter base, according to Milan H. Fray, a sociologist and demographer at the Milken Institute. According to Dr. Fray, by paying the illegal aliens directly with government dollars, Democrats gain even greater access to the illegal alien vote.

"Without government intervention these poor, unwitting people may become used to working hard in the free enterprise system and enjoying the fruits of their labor virtually tax free. If we allow that to continue, the next thing you know they're Republicans. Get them on the government dole now, we've got them forever," said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.).

The lone holdout, Senator James Jeffords (I-Vt.), voted against the bill because it didn't include a wall along the Canadian border. "Vermont doesn't have any beef with the Mexicans, it's the Canucks we're worried about," said Jeffords.

Both parties agreed no American Americans would be willing to do the back-breaking work the wall construction will require, but Democrat amendment allows only undocumented Mexican aliens may be hired for the 2,000-mile-long project. "Whether part of the bill or not, that's the way it was going to be," said Harry Satabo.

A Republican amendment to the bill specifies that the workers will work on the wall from the southern side. When the structure is finished, experts estimate there will be 25,000 to 30,000 fewer Mexicans living in the U.S.

Design engineers estimate the cost of the wall at about $6 billion and say the project will employ 25,000 to 30,000 workers.

President George Bush announced an unusual signing ceremony which will take place in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. The occasion will be attended by Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, who hopes to escort a large collection of Mexican-American dignitaries across the border for the signing. The contingent is slated to include comic actor Cheech Marin, golfers Lee Trevino and Nancy Lopez, actress Salma Hayek, folk singer Joan Baez, former secretary of housing and urban development Henry Cisneros and New Mexico governor Bill Richardson.

Copyright 2006, Douglas Salguod

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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