GREENVILLE, OHIO-Researchers announced today they've finally found that proverbial someone your mother always told you about-the man who always has it worse than you. That man is Jonathan Hubble, a paralegal at a large law firm, of Greenville, Ohio.
Bryan Williams, a researcher on the team who conducted the study, recalled their finding of Mr. Hubble. "We first observed Mr. Hubble in his home two weeks ago. After documenting only one day of activity, we knew that Mr. Hubble could be the man we were looking for.
"In the morning, he single handed cut himself nine times while shaving, scalded himself in the shower, and spilled steaming hot coffee on his crotch twice. His dog peed on the suit he had laid out for that day, and he didn't even notice until he had arrived at work. He unwittingly e-mailed a memory erasing virus to all of his co-workers, who immediately knew it was him and lashed back by breaking all of his pencils and collapsing the walls of his cubicle. For lunch, he ate a ham and cheese sandwich, but learned quickly he was highly allergic to cheese when his face swelled to the size of a bowling ball. His afternoon was surprisingly tame, except for the fact that he somehow managed to catch his hair on fire.
"Upon his return home, he found a note from his wife saying one of her ex-boyfriends were in town and she would be visiting him for the next day or two. She also said her mother would be dropping by, and she planned to stay for a week or so. He ate a frozen TV dinner while watching old reruns of The Waltons. Phone calls for the evening included twelve telemarketers, all offering high quality low-rate long distance plans.
"After two weeks of laughing our asses off, we came to the conclusion that Mr. Hubble is the man who always has it worse than you."
Your mother was unavailable to comment, but sources say she was heard muttering "I told you so, but no, why should you listen to your mother? Oy."
