Written by Bob

Wednesday, 12 November 2003

image for 96% of Americans can't speak American
Bush vs Chimp: Chimp wins outright

In non-too shocking news this morning, it was discovered that the majority of Americans can't speak American; let alone English, the language upon which it is based.

The recent survey carried out by Harners & Coop proved that only a small percentage of Americans have a grasp of their language equivilent to that of a three-year-old child.

Hank Muffit, of Illinois said, "Course I speak American good! Wha' inthahell d'ya thunk spekkin' in nah am I?" His wife, Clara Muffit, added, "Ain't no mistakin', me speak Americahn gooder than anyune hun!"

In a rushed press conference, President George W. Bush was quoted as saying, "Let it be knowen that the American populationing can speak their language in its completenessness. I have all the faith in are scool system and the proceeds of educationing our kids."

Of all Americans asked, only one spoke anything coherent. Misty 'Silicone' Valley, a stripper from New York, said "I think it should be of great concern to the government that such a low standard of literacy is being acheived in our school system. The simple fact that 72% of Americans call their language 'American' says it all."

Miss Valley, 21, continued "I doubt very much that Mr Bush realises the consequences of this issue, I think that most of the population of America will not be able to partake in international diplomatic interactions, or even to tell the customers at Wal-Mart how much their groceries cost."

After speaking for a while to Miss Valley on the subject, we managed to draw our eyes away from her heaving busom.

Prof. Ted McGinley, an English tutor at Mwangwai University, Berkley CA, said of his students, "Their English ranges from poor to half-decent."
He went on to say, "But for the most part, the rednecks in the sticks are the ones bringing down the side, they don't even know what language is half the time."

Further to the (barely) shocking findings of the survey, it was shown that 8% of the American population can only communicate with the real world in terms of C++, HTML, Java or even Binary code.

The conclusions drawn from the survey are that:

  • 96% of Americans can't speak in the American dialect
  • Of those, 8% live in a perpetual world of computer code and the Internet
  • 98% of American's can't perform simple mathematical equations
  • Of fully literate 4%, over half are students putting themselves through college by working as strippers
  • Even Belgians can speak English.

Although not fully conclusive, the report is backed up by the British Society for Belittling America at Every Conceivable Opportunity, whose own research shows that the figure could be somewhere around 87%, perhaps more.

It also said that British people (discounting all scallies and townies) are a lot smarter and altogether better than the Americans. Further to this, all evidence seems to suggest that if you were a dog, you'd piss on trees too.

The writer realises that any faulty grammar or other improper use of the English language in this news story will result in him looking like a proper charlie and being repeatedly hit for his ironic stupidity. I guess its a good think that the writer has the good grasp at the English languish

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Americans, Language

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