Super Walmart Puts Local Walmart Out of Business

Funny story written by neilhiatt

Saturday, 26 January 2013

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PEORIA, Calif.-The unemployment lines in Peoria have seen a jump in numbers as the local Walmart closes its doors for the last time after succumbing to the pressures of the newly opened Super Walmart.

"When the Super Walmart opened four months ago I assumed our loyal customers would hold out," said former Walmart store manager Steve Gills. "I guess there's just no room for a local, big-box, multi-national corporate entity anymore; all they want is just a super, big-box, multi-national corporate entity. I mean, if the public can go somewhere else to save three cents on a box of light bulbs, they will."

Walmart has been a local institution supplying jobs, groceries, and impulse items to the Peoria area for more than twenty-five years. "I remember when the Walmart first opened in 1988 and put my burlap and feed store out of business," said local Walmart bag-boy Tug Larsen. "I don't know what I'm going to do now. Probably grab some copper wiring out of this dump and then apply at the Super Walmart."

In response to widespread concern over job security, Super Walmart store manager Russ Feinstein had this to say: "We are a family. That's why we have offered positions in packing and cart wrangling to the local Walmart's senior management. We could use people with their business savvy and years of experience on our graveyard shifts." When asked if the local Walmart employees' pensions would transfer over, Feinstein abruptly ended the interview.

Calls to Super Walmart corporate offices were not returned.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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