Romney reveals more Bain Capital 'lessons for success'

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Friday, 24 August 2012

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The Bard of Bain

New York - Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney says he ran out of room in a recent Wall Street Journal article in which he attempted to connect his business experience at Bain Capital with the qualities he would need to be a good president.

"Luckily, my good friend Rupert Murdoch owns a second newspaper in New York," Romney said. "Maybe you heard of it. It's called the New York Post."

That newspaper found space for nine additional "lessons for success" that Romney says he learned at Bain Capital:

1. An idea is only as good as the person you stole it from. So tell your best thinkers that there is no "I" in team but there can be a "U" in the unemployment line if they don't play ball. Then make their most promising concepts your own.

2. Whenever you have more interested investors than you have available shares, remember, there's always room on the roof.

3. Taxes are for suckers. So spend every spare second figuring out schemes to avoid them.

4. Never eat lunch alone. Otherwise, you're always stuck with check.

5. Never "outsource" jobs. Instead say that you're sending them "on vacation."

6. Bankruptcy is next to cleanliness, which is next to godliness. So you're doing the work of the Lord.

7. When closing down an unsuccessful business, don't forget to appropriate the fixtures from its restrooms. People may be out of work, but they will always need a place to do their business.

8. There's no such thing as a stupid question, but there are plenty of inquisitive idiots running around out there.

9. When in doubt, blame the Chinese.

Romney says he'll issue more Bain Capital "lessons for success" as soon as his team comes up with them.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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