Paul Ryan Quitting Politics; Opening Fitness Center

Funny story written by tj1990

Thursday, 8 November 2012

In a bizarre sequence of events, Paul Ryan, Mitt Romney's former Vice-Presidential running mate, has decided to resign from federal politics to open up a local fitness center in Janesville, Wisconsin. Many Washington insiders are puzzled by the unprecedented and unexpected announcement, as Mr. Ryan was viewed as a rising star and intellectual giant within the Republican Party.

Ryan's gym, adeptly titled Atlas Pumped, is set to open this February and will include modern amenities like personal televisions on all aerobic equipment, state-of-the-art machines, and individual shower stalls. Though the "real gem," as described by the Congressman himself, will be The 47% Lounge, an innovative and soothing health bar. The 47% Lounge will be a luxurious venue for your post-workout cool down. "It'll be a place to relax, recuperate, and, simply, do nothing; after a tough workout, you're entitled to that," noted Ryan.

A recently published NPR story claims that monthly-fees for Atlas Pumped will be based primarily on a participant's overall health. The report cites that those in the worst health and shape-the morbidly obese-will pay the highest membership rates for access to the fitness center, while those of moderate to average health-classified as 'pleasantly plump'-will pay a relatively reduced rate. Wisconsinites who are in superior physical shape, including Iron Man participants, marathon runners, and professional athletes-the so-called jog creators-will pay the lowest membership fees.

However, Congressmen Ryan has made it clear that those less fortunate will be also be given an opportunity to join Atlas Pumped. Seniors of Wisconsin, accustom to discounted rates for gym memberships, will no longer receive a financial advantage, but will instead be given a selected number of vouchers to use throughout the year. Added a Republican insider, "And of course, all boy scouts will get in free."

When pressed about results people could expect, Ryan noted that, "within four weeks, clients will be able to run an eleven-minute marathon and bicep-curl the Washington Monument." When informed that these feats are physically and humanly impossible, Ryan reassured prospective clients that "it would take me too long to go through the details, but let me put it this way, you just could."

While politicians on both sides of the aisle are stunned by the announcement, Paul Ryan has said he's looking forward to the new challenge. "It will give me an opportunity to whip Janesville residents into shape," noted Ryan. He has yet to return calls as to which shape he is aiming for. The former Vice-Presidential candidate concluded, "Unlike Social Security, we'll produce real results in real time."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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