Akin: Woman's Body Armor Thwarts Rape Pregnancy with Tricks -- Sperm "Won't Ask for Help or Directions"

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Tuesday, 21 August 2012


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Akin said rapist sperm had as much chance of "striking the motherlode" as a paper plane does striking France from England

On the heels of his comment that "legitimate" rape is "really rare" and that "the woman's body has ways to shut that whole thing down," U.S. House Science Committee member Representative Todd Akin(R-MO)schooled newsmen today using the same sex education course curriculum he says he has taught to Liberty University students for years.

"As terribly enjoyable as rape must be for the slutty woman," he said, "the true victim here is the rapist's sperm. Totally tortured by the confusion and utterly lost in the tangle of lady parts by misdirection and false signage, only the little guys with the keenest sense of direction in the dark have any hope of ever seeing the light at the end of the tunnel emitting from the baby place," he explained to newsmen now staring incredulously at one another.

"The poor sperm, created by the Almighty to do it all without seeking help or directions, might as well be searching for the legendary holy grail instead of the lady gold. The calculating wench simply overwhelms the little tykes with mystery, obstacles and subterfuge. First, there are the three swimming pools, two of which lead to fool's gold - one yellow like gold the other not even close. The sperm that dive into the correct pool must first deal with the erect clitoris. Right in the middle of the way, it might as well be the Great Wall of China. Then there is the long and winding absolutely unlit passage with no guardrails to prevent wild mishaps and spinouts. All 'Welcome' signs are covered by shocking pink or teal drapes. Signage is redirected in opposite or multiple directions. Green light signal heads beckon the guileless sperm forward only to crash into brick walls disguised as elegantly adorned egg look-a-likes," Akin lectured to the dumbfounded.

"Upon reaching the great lady chamber that some call the uterus, the naked sperm are turned away by the lying receptionist citing a nonexistent 'dress code' while the clothed sperm are told they have no 'reservation' or 'ID' when such sperm suppression tactics are unheard of outside the rape sex community. Even if a brazen few get past the conniving moody receptionist and make it to the room housing the egg, they must then guess which among the hundred or so imposter eggs is the one true zygote personhood material. Of course, the siren secret service unit are all crack gymnasts each willing to take a sperm for the egg she protects from unwanted fertilization by diving in front of any sperm projectile. Any invaders that succeed in making actual contact with the matching 23 chromosome cell egg are rewarded for their efforts with the final indignity of being hurled from the pool to certain suffocation by a girl."

Akin concluded his interesting press conference by smiling happily and telling reporters he enjoyed teaching sex ed at Liberty and found it "exhilarating" to share his "vast stores of knowledge" of what he called "down there dirty lady stuff" with "the young people... I find that I learn more from them than they learn from me," he said to nodding newsmen.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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