Pundits: Well, in a legitimate democracy, Todd Akin would never be elected

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Monday, 20 August 2012


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WASHINGTON, D.C.--Missouri Congressman and Senate candidate Todd Akin's comment that pregnancy would not occur in a "legitimate rape" has been met with widespread condemnation from Democrats and Republicans, prompting speculation Akin's Senate run is finished. Many political commentators have nevertheless come to Akin's defense, noting that the election of an ill-informed and bigoted turd to Congress would never occur in a country with legitimate democracy.

"I'm not an expert, but my understanding has always been that in a genuinely democratic government, morons like Todd Akin would never have been elected in the first place," commented MSNBC's Chris Matthews on his afternoon broadcast. "Even in a case where that didn't happen, I think rational voters who attentively follow politics would soon realize the error and rectify it at the next available opportunity, and yet Todd Akin has held public office since 1989. Clearly, no real form of electoral representation exists in the U.S."

"It's common knowledge that legitimate states have certain fail-safes--a vigilant and impartial media, functioning education system, transparent campaign finance, things like that--designed to make sure people like Todd Akin aren't elected to the legislative branch," said economist Paul Krugman. "As Todd Akin has been an office-holder for over 20 years, it seems obvious to me that those fail-safes either do not work or do not exist, ergo we do not live in a functioning democracy."

These remarks were met enthusiastically by Freedom House chairman Max Kampelman, who wrote, "As someone who has visited dozens of countries where the separation of church and state is not dismissed as fiction by politicians and citizens alike, it is heartwarming to hear the obvious from American commentators: the U.S. is not, nor has it ever been, a country where irrational opinions and flat-out nonsense are pushed to the side by adults. That is the only way you can explain people like Todd Akin in a nominal republic."

"Todd Akin is just one of the 419 verified imbeciles currently sitting in Congress. Those numbers are impossible to ignore. Anybody who thinks a seriously representative government would contain scores of corporate stooges with only a piecemeal grasp on reality is kidding themselves," concluded Kampelman.

Akin, who is otherwise noted for his calls to ban the morning-after pill, as well as claims that liberals are motivated by their hatred in God, has yet to respond to the accusations. A source close to the Congressman told reporters that Akin was privately hurt by the implication that he would never be tapped for public service by a society with its priorities straight.

Opinions are divided across the country. Said Mary Tirabassi of Brooklyn, "We shouldn't punish Todd Akin, who after all doesn't have a choice in the ridiculous narrative his base chooses to believe in. Punish the system, not its offspring."

Others, including Rob Gascon of Indianapolis, demurred. "Well, it may be horrible that people like Todd Akin have political power and an audience for their idiocy, but I feel in my heart that these things happen for a reason. After all, isn't every election, no matter how fraudulent and comical, precious in the eyes of God?"

While some have suggested Akin's home state of Missouri may be solely to blame for Akin, St. Louis native Chris Weedin feels that is an unfair charge. While his Weedin conceded home state was "seriously lacking in political awareness", he claimed that Missouri was far from the most egregious example of utter incompetence vis-à-vis self-governance.

"I mean, does your average Massachusetts voter care about Barney Frank's role in the subprime mortgage crisis? No. And if Strom Thurmond were still alive today, you can bet Mississippi would keep sending him to Washington, no questions asked. The deluge of simpletons and lobbyist cronies in our nation's offices is everybody's problem."

At press, approximately 105 million Americans were unregistered to vote.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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