Written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 9 May 2006

image for Another ossified Bonesman for CIA crunch job
Skull 'N' Bones Osteoporosis Division CEO Hayden

Washington DC, Tuesday 9 May 2006 - (Associated Mess): In yet another act of unparalleled congenital stupidity, US President George Bush Junior has announced the appointment of wily old wiretapping military spook and former fellow Skull 'N' Bonesman General Michael Hayden to the top job at the beleagured laughing-stock that is now the Central Intelligence Agency.

Hayden, formerly the No 2 CEO at NASA, is largely regarded as the genius behind Bush's 'Son of Star Wars' programme, the brainchild scheme for the surveillance of aliens, both terrestrial and extra in the Administration's War Against Terra.

The General is a noted Bonesman who heads the Ancient Order's Osteoporosis Division in the US's Military Chapter of the organisation.

A born-again fundamentalist believer, Hayden has come under fire from the American Diabolical Liberties Union, which issued a terse statement following news of his appointment:

"Hayden's approval of warrantless surveillance on Americans raises serious questions about whether the CIA can be trusted to nail sycophantic arse-lickers in the Administration like Karl Rove for crimes against humanity", said a spokesman.

The Union has called on the Senate to use the Hayden confirmation hearing to investigate other allegations against the US intelligence community, centred on jailed Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff's plea-bargain assertions that the Bonesmen were behind every act of crass stupidity and criminality in the United States since the whitewash fiasco that was the Warren Commission.

But President Bush has praised General Hayden, citing a long career in the US military bullshit department - also known as counter-intelligence -and the misinformation community: "Mike knows
where the bodies are buried so I owe him one.

"He has demonstrated an ability to adapt our intelligence services to new levels of utter nonsense that have exceeded all my Daddy's expectations and, as such, is the right man for this demanding job."

Accepting the nomination, General Hayden laughed like a drain: "In the confirmation process I look forward to meeting with leaders of the Congress, better understanding their concerns and working with them to continue keeping the American intelligence community as the most retarded and risible agency in the history of the War Aganst Terra."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Washington, Military

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
79 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more