Jon Huntsman Reveals The Real Reason Why He Dropped Out of The GOP Presidential Race

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 16 January 2012

image for Jon Huntsman Reveals The Real Reason Why He Dropped Out of The GOP Presidential Race
Jon Huntsman's dream of living in the White House has just gone up in a puff of smoke. (Photo by Sasha Obama).

MYRTLE BEACH, South Carolina - Well to quote a line from the famous song "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen, Jon Huntsman, the former governor of the state of Utah has dropped out of the GOP presidential race leaving five Republican hopefuls left.

Huntsman, whose campaign tour was dubbed The Who The Heck Was That Fella Bus Tour, informed the political news media that he was dropping out of the race after having finished in third place in the New Hampshire Primary.

The former Utah governor denied the rumors that he dropped out because he was told by his campaign manager that he would probably finish in sixth place in South Carolina.

Huntsman disclosed that he had decided to drop out of the race after having talked it over with his wife and six of his seven children.

He said that they agree that if he continued with his political campaign that he would have to end up having to dip into the family's food fund, clothes fund, cosmetics fund, and their upcoming summer trip to Cambodia fund.

The ex-governor was asked what happened to his seventh child. Huntsman pointed out that the one child that he did not discuss it with was due to the fact that she had informed him that she would be supporting President Obama and voting for him in 2012.

When a reporter with Political Salad Bar Magazine asked him which of his seven children was voting for President Obama, Jon got kind of irritated and said that it was really no ones business.

He then mentioned that he and his wife Mary Kaye had raised her and had provided her with everything including things such as a a Barbie Doll, a hula hoop, a Britney Spears Lip Syncing Machine, seasons tickets to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Concerts, $17,210 in cash, and a fully loaded KIA Spectra.

Huntsman shook his head and confessed that he just did not know where in the world he and his wife had gone wrong and what could possibly have possessed their daughter to want to go and vote for a Democrat.

As Huntsman said the word Democrat he got tears in his eyes and said that he had even suggested that his daughter make an appointment to see one of the best political therapists in Utah and find out what exactly had caused her embarrassing decision and get it reversed.

Huntsman said that when he was the U.S. ambassador to China that he recalls hearing about one of the Chinese senators having a son who had told one of his high school teachers that he hated Chinese food.

The senator was totally devastated and said that his wife became so upset that she developed migraine headaches, athlete's foot, dandruff, tennis elbow, and a very bad case of tonsillitis.

The former governor of Utah noted that the senator's son also disliked playing Chinese Checkers and preferred to play Parcheesi instead.

A reporter with Political Salad Bar, Mistletoe Bulova asked Huntsman which GOP candidate he would now be supporting. He smiled and said that he had thought long and hard about it.

He said that he had crossed former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum off his list because he looks too much like a shady used car salesman.

He then said that he did not like Congressman Ron Paul of Texas because he just did not feel right voting for a man who is older than just about everyone with the exceptions of Joan Rivers, Cloris Leachman, Tony Bennett, Betty White, and all the members of the Rolling Stones.

Huntsman said he did not care for Speaker of The House Newt Gingrich because he just cannot find a way to take a man serious who looks way too much like Captain Kangaroo.

When asked how he felt about Texas Governor Rick Perry he smiled and said that there were actually three reasons why he could not support Perry.

Huntsman elaborated "One, Perry just has a little too much fun executing people.

Two, Perry is like the male version of Sarah 'Shotgun' Palin except that Rick is actually a real hunter, he doesn't go around ambushing moose from a state owned helicopter, and he doesn't use worn out clich├ęs like you betcha, gosh darnit, and gee willikers.

And three...ah...let me see...ah...I'm sorry I seem to have forgotten number three."

Huntsman finally remarked that he was going to support the ex-governor of Massachusetts Mitt "Old Mittens" Romney.

When Miss Bulova asked him why. He smiled and said that he just looks a lot like one of the most famous TV dads of all time, Ward Cleaver of the 50s sit-com Leave It To Beaver.

FOOTNOTE: So it appears that Jon Huntsman will be returning to his native Utah, where he said he plans to apply for a job as a public relations director for the Bonneville Salt Flats.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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