Written by Buck Turtle

Friday, 20 January 2006

image for Cheney Lashes at Google, Greenpeace and Nuns

Vice President Dick "Cool Hands" Cheney violently defended the Bush administration's domestic "surveillance" program Thursday, calling it "the essential tool" in monitoring Google, liberals, Greenpeace, nuns, priests and other terrorist organizations.

But Cheney stressed the program was limited in scope and had been conducted in a way that safeguarded civil liberties - until now.

"A spirit of debate is now under way, and our message to the American people is clear and straightforward: These actions are well within the my authority and responsibility under the Constitution and laws, as secretly re-written by me and my staff, and these actions are vital to my bank account," Cheney said in a luncheon speech at the Manhattan Institute, a conservative think tank. "All of you who dare defy my flawed inconsistent logic are candidates for death camps."

Cheney said the surveillance program had addressed a concern of the 9/11 Commission that the government had difficulty linking the activities of domestic and international terrorists.

"It's hard to think of any category of information that could be more important to the safety of the United States than international communication, one end of which we have reason to believe is related to Google searches that deliver results that are not beneficial or pertinent to the trillions in illegal profits," Cheney said.

President Bush has acknowledged that beginning in October 2001 he authorized the National Security Agency to eavesdrop on international phone calls and e-mails of people within the United States without seeking warrants from the courts. "Being unaccountable, drunk and impeccably stupid has its privileges in this White House" commented Scott McLellan.

The program has come under heavy criticism by congressional Democrats and civil libertarians and is now the focus of at least two federal lawsuits.
Cheney told the audience Bush had reauthorized the program more than 30 times since 2001 and would continue to do so, or Cheney would be forced to release damaging documents that would jeopardize the vast Bush fortune as well as publicize the relationship the Bush family had with the Nazis in World War II.

Also Thursday, Attorney General Alberto "I'm no wetback" Gonzales sent congressional leaders a 42-page legal defense of warrantless eavesdropping, expanding on arguments that he and other administration officials have been making since the program was first disclosed last month.

The memo argues that Bush has authority to order the warrantless wiretapping under the Constitution and the post-September 11 congressional resolution granting him broad power to fight "____" (just fill in the blank - nobody really pays attention to this stuff anyway).

Speedy Gonzales said the analysis was needed to counter critics of the program and show the public that "there's another side to this debate - my summerhouse needs a new heated pool and I need to be able to afford these ridiculous gasoline prices."

Cheney did not directly address an audio tape aired Thursday by Al-Jazeera in which a voice, determined by the CIA to be that of Osama bin Laden, said al Qaeda planned further attacks on the United States.

But Cheney said it was "more than obvious" the nation faced continued terrorist threats and to "be vigilant" and "aware" of "suspicious activity" in and around churches, schools, confessionals and Wal-Mart.

"The enemy that struck on 9/11 is weakened, fractured, but still lethal and still determined to hit us again," he said. "Either we are serious about fighting this war on terror or we are not. I need more money--- now dance you media junkies!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Google, Nuns

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