The south" is going, "We've got the nukes", the "north is going, "we've got the button that LAUNCHES the nukes", CNN is going, "In today's news Civil War bells are tolling loudly as tensions between the northern states and southern states slowly froth to a rich, white, foamy Zest-like lather". President Bush today declared a national state of emergency after a North Carolina patrolman ticketed a Jersey motorist traveling through Raleigh. Noted war historian Walter Sandler said,
"It's ALWAYS some little niggle like that which triggers total chaos .. like back in 1914 when some 3rd rate Archduke of some 4th rate country like Austria gets capped by some 5th rate hoodlum from some 6th rate little hole in the wall country like Serbia. Next thing you know .. boom, World War One."
The New Jersey motorist, Alex Hewlett claims that North Carolina patrolmen not only "roughed him up" but raped both his poodles then ran up over $80 worth of roaming charges on Hewlett's Nokia cell phone.
North Carolina Governor Mike Easley calls the charges "absurd" and warned New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine to put a MUZZLE on his people and "monitor his own rhetoric as well". Sources say that New Jersey Governor told the North Carolina Governor to, quote, "bite me".
Georgia, Alabama, Florida and parts of North Texas demanded an immediate formal written apology from New Jersey for their "bite me" remark to North Carolina. Michigan, Ohio, Vermont and Rhode Island responded to the demand by going, "bite us".
The United States of America currently maintains a current arsenal of 10,350 nuclear warheads, of which 5,300 are considered active or operational. After New Jersey governor's "bite me" remark over a 18 "southern" states have rallied behind North Carolina demanding an immediate formal written apology for their "bite us" remark directed at the south or quote,
"Stuff might happen!"
What KIND of "stuff" political analysts don't know. One former 4 star General told reporters,
"Both sides have nuclear missile bases, the north and the south. The actual BUTTON that launches the missiles however sits in the Oval Office in Washington DC so if I was placing a wager in Vegas I'd have to go with the north on this one."
CNN's Anderson Cooper told viewers that he and his team are ready to cover the Civil War should nuclear civil war erupt saying,
"Stay tuned to CNN for complete coverage of the carnage."
President Bush calls the whole affair nonsense and assures the American people that civil war will not erupt and even if does he will not push any "nu-cleer missile launch'n buttons" especially with his ranch, twins and Barney's pedigree papers down there in "the south".
The last U.S. Civil war, ending in 1865 took over half a million lives. FOX says they hope another civil war does not erupt but 50 million fatalities WOULD boost ratings. Assuming the South prevails this time.
