Anglican rift grows over Powertool row

Funny story written by Stu B

Friday, 25 February 2005

image for Anglican rift grows over Powertool row
The Ceremony of the Holy Leaf Blower

Anglican leaders have asked the US and Canadian Churches to withdraw from a key council temporarily because of their Failiure to return some electric hedge trimmers. They want the North American Churches to "consider their place within the Anglican Communion", a statement said.

The Anglican Church has been divided since 2003 when the US Church hacked an open air Wysteria Bush into the shape of Liza Minelli with the borrowed trimmers. If the two Churches agree, it could be a first step towards a permanent split. The debate has pitted traditionalists, notably from the African branches of the Anglican community whose bushes are now in a shocking state, against more liberal elements.

The statement by the Church leaders calling for a withdrawal from the Anglican Consultative Council until 2008 came after a four-day meeting in Northern Ireland. The communique said top clerics were "deeply alarmed" that the "standard of Christian teaching on matters of returning borrowed tools" had been "seriously undermined by the recent developments in North America".

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, the leader of the worldwide Anglican Communion and amateur Topiatrist, has not yet commented but is scheduled to give a news conference on Friday. "We as a body continue to address the situations which have arisen in North America with the utmost seriousness," the church leaders said in a communique late on Thursday. "We request that the Episcopal Church (US) and the Anglican Church of Canada voluntarily withdraw their members from the Anglican Consultative Council (ACC)."

'Compromise'

Stepping down from the ACC, a liaison body with members drawn from each province or member church, would mean a Church was no longer a full member of the Anglican family. A leading traditionalist, the Most Rev Peter Akinola, primate of the Nigerian Church, was reported to have held a celebratory dinner as the communiqué was being finalised. But James Naughton, a spokesman for the Episcopal Diocese of Washington DC, called the move an "elegant compromise". He said the Episcopalians would accept temporary withdrawal if it created a better chance of unifying the Church, the Associated Press news agency reported.

Moratorium call

The Anglican leadership has recommended a special hearing be held in June to allow the US and Canadian churches to explain what they did with the trimmers. The primates also asked for a moratorium on the loan of ride on Lawn Mower and the ordination of bishops who use Strimmers.

Dr Williams warned last week that there was no "cost-free outcome" to the debate Powertools in the church. Much of the Northern Ireland meeting was taken up with debating the Windsor report, set up by Dr Williams to try to resolve the crisis. The Windsor report warned the 77 million members of the worldwide Anglican communion that if a compromise could not be found, its members might "have to learn to live with scruffy hedges".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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