World's first hyperscram computer launched

Written by Dr A Friend

Sunday, 28 March 2004

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Bombs away - the new age of hyperscram computing is launched over the Pacific

In what has been described as the biggest IT breakthrough since the 1940s and Bletchley Park's "Collossus", hypercomputing has arrived with a splash. High above the north Pacific coastline, the world's first hyperscram computer was booted up earlier this week from its B52 user's installation pack. The micro marvel ran for a full 10 seconds at blistering hyperspeeds until it crashed into the sea and shut itself down with a splash and a hiss of steam.

A joint initiative between industry giants Micro$cam and Introll, the new system is expected to raise the bar in speed and reliability for business and home users. Dr John "Get down" Noakes from Micro$cam's R&D section gave an insight to the background. "This project has taken up the full R&D resources of the company for 10 years now. Both of us have worked around the clock to realise this dream and it was tough going at times for my faithful border collie, Shep. Nevertheless, we pulled through with the aid of some Fairy liquid bottles and an endless supply of toilet roll tubes".

Fears that the new marvel machine may not have a practical operational future were denied by project director Bill Vacant-Gapes. "You have to put this in perspective with our other products", Vacant-Gapes explained, "nothing else we have produced could run for as long as 10 seconds before crashing, after all, so this represents a breakthrough for us".

"And with the blistering speed of the new processor, our users can achieve so much more in that crucial 10 seconds", added the gormless Vacant-Gapes in a voice vaguely reminiscent of Kermit the Frog. "You never know, one day there may even be one of these systems in every capital city", he croaked.

It appears that the technology is so advanced that the processor needs a cooling system with an air feed at minus 60 degrees and a minimum cooling velocity of Mach 7, to prevent overheating, especially in the subsonic excitation period.

However, in Europe, where the new system is likely to be banned on environmental sour grapes grounds, industry insiders are sceptical. "Who the hell is going to be bothered with getting a bloody pilot's licence for a B52, just to use this latest Micro$cam crap", explained a senior civil servant in the Department of Trade and Industry. I think the Europeans will stick to the tried and tested iGotalife suite thank you very much".

It appears that the 5 hour working week enjoyed by Europeans will not be compatible with the rigours of the new Micro$cam OS rebooting process, although the 120 hour working week, practised so patriotically in all US offices, suits the new software perfectly.

In a joint press release, Micro$cam and Introll, announced yesterday that Scam2005, the new all-American product, is officially slated for release in early 2009. According to anonymous sources, the programmers in Bangladore are already planning a big launch party, at which the famed rockers Sham69 have agreed to perform. Introll expects its first dozen chip production plants - surprisingly all located in China and Cuba - to be ready for business in 2008.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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