Brentford to become the Cultural Centre for London

Funny story written by Merryweather

Wednesday, 24 August 2011


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In line with the 2012 Olympics and with London in the spot-light, the Mayor's Office has designated Brentford in the sleepy suburbs of West London as the cutting edge of a true London experience for visitors from the rest of the world.

Unlike previous Olympic sites, which eliminate, destroy, nuke or hide away certain aspects of their city to make it look more sanitised, London is keen to promote all aspects of her wondrous city.

In an exclusive press statement, a spokesman for the Mayor of London's office headed by Mayor Boris Johnson, said, 'this is an historic city and we need to be transparent and promote all the multi-faceted areas London has to offer that makes us one the most envied cities by the rest of the world'.

Local entrepreneur, a former heroin user and reformed crack-head, Dean Dollop, has organised tours around the narrow alleyways around the iconic, grade one listed, concrete blocks of the Haverfield and Brent Lea estates and the more recently developed concrete lumps of Ferry Quays and The Island, to show people 'everythink'.

'We see where peoples was stabbed and people who fell out of windows and splatted on the pavements and even where the biggest smack importer to Europe once lived before he was evicted for not paying his rent, right through to the property in a conservation area that was once owned by the elusive MP, Ann Keen, which was invaded by squatters while being renovated.

'We even know people who was there in those premises and tell of all the dust what covered their Addidas trainers and how another businessman hoovered up all the dust to mix with the coke he's got in from one of them little islands in South America. And if we go down to the river we can see all sorts of artists.

'From the paltry painters at Johnson's island to the piss artists in Watermans park and if your (sp local to the area as taught by the local comprehensive) really interested in local wild-life we go down to the old boat-yards where you might hear the roars of the ocelots and panthers that where released into the wild back in the 1960s coupled with the squawks of the green parakeets that have made Brentford their home.

'And to fink some squatter is trying to sell off these boatyards for a couple of mill is jus' some greedy …. . And me mate over on the Tiber Estate will be doing tours of where the Roman soldiers fell while crossing over the Thames and where there was a battle 'tween them Round'eads and them little spaniel doggies an' everfink'.

Local resident, Betty Trumper said, 'we welcome this as a boost to this forgotten outpost on the outskirts of the affluent areas like Chiswick and Kew, I remember when we bought our council house for thirty grand which was a lot to us considering my husband Ron had been on the sick for twenty years after he did his back in digging graves but I hope this will promote Brentford so we can sell our property for more than the three hundred grand we was offered a few years ago and go live in that Norman Manor caravan at Canvey Island, Ron's 'ad 'is eye on for yonks'.

However, the Mayor's office is adamant that Brentford is an important area and need to be preserved to give a view of London as a living history and not as another homogenised over developed lump that obliterates the lives of real people.

Of course it is unfortunate that developers decimated some of the 1930's factories and buildings of the Golden Mile but there is still so much to see especially the derelict boat-houses which, according to another local resident, Dolly Duckhouse, once were the breeding ground for loads of species from Egyptian geese through to smelly-eyed snails. And the M4 underpass is sill a work in progress as one travails along the A4.

Local estate agents, Squeeriams, trying not to rub their hands in glee, who in recent times have been a promoter of Brentford's summer and winter festivals sounded very pleased that historic Brentford was finally being given the attention it deserved and applauded the current Mayor of London of the foresight to give Brentford it's fifteen minutes of fame.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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