Fans of Amy Winehouse reacted with outrage around the world today as it emerged that the UK government are taking steps to ensure the stars body is disposed of in a "safe and dignified manner".
In another world exclusive, I am able to report the facts of as they emerge, without fear of any super injunctions, and with only the minimal amount of phone hacking.
Your intrepid reported Masheded, having flown by charter back from Libya, was able to use sources close to the tragedy to provide the following baleful insight into the fiasco following the stars death.
Our source, whom wishes to remain anonymous, gave the following insight into the situation.
UPROAR
"The whole place has been in uproar since Amys death. The council are determined that she cannot be cremated anywhere near to residential areas, or Sights Of Special Scientific Interest. They are worried about the effect on the local population. We have a bad enough problem as it is with drug misuse. How many more people could become addicted by inhaling her crematoria vapour? Then there are the ones that might deliberately try to do so."
Myriam Harrison went onto say:
"I've worked at Camden Council for 20 odd years, and I've never heard the like of it. It was suggested that she could be buried, but the Environment Agency, backed by the Health and Safety executive, reckon that it would contravene the Control Of Substances Hazardous To Heath regulations, and her earthly fluid could contaminate the water table."
SOLUTION?
So does it seem just another case of Health and Safety gone mad? Or could these very real concerns mean the need for an alternative solution?
I spoke to General Medical Council flunkey Cyril Smith. He gave the following opinion:
"As a tragic loss as this is, there could still be a positive result for the greater people. It's no secret Ms Winehouse was an advocate and glamorized drug misuse. Perhaps this is her time to give something back. If it were sanctioned, we could ring her out like a dish cloth, and distil the dirty water (so to speak). It's possible this could be used by chemists to formulate new drug treatments. It's ironic that she said she wouldn't go to rehab, as this could be her eternal resting place. The leftover skin could either be used by Lady GaGa in a new outfit, or just simply thrown away."
FUTURE
However, not everybody seems to share this optimistic view of the future. Jock Stewart, former editor of NME Magazine said the following:
"Ach, wouldn't it be easier to freeze the wee lass in that stuff they used on Han Solo, you know that carbonite? Then, when Jazz comes back in a big way, they could thaw her out. Her record company would make a killing. Lots of people said she probably had another album in her!"
Not sure about that Jock, but she definitely had a few singles in her.Ahem.
IMAGINATION
But it seems that the Coalition UK Government don't seem to have such an imaginative response as some other ideas that have been suggested.
One whitewall insider said:
"(hic hic) we don't see what all the fuss is about. With the new carbon omissions and pollution legislation, we can't possibly burn her. It's against policy. We can't very well bury her. Were trying to stop adding to landfill. This talk of recycling her would just be a false economy. I suppose she could be mummified, but were keeping that as our ace card. At the very worst, we can just ask the American Navy to dump her in the Indian Ocean somewhere. In accordance with her strict religious beliefs, of course."
More tasteless facts and correspondence as it happens.
