Daily Post columnist and outraged upright Jam Noir will not be asked to cut short her summer holiday coach tour of Bavarian chocolate and cake factories following the death of Amy Winehouse.
Said a paper editor who bravely refused to be named: "I mean, she's not apt to go beserk because Amy was trying to screw a lightbulb into the wrong socket, if you follow, but where there's drink and possibly worse, you know what's likely to happen in a Jam Noir column. Following all this News of Hack business, the last thing we need is anybody inflaming the passions of thinking people again.'
Rather than cancel her holidays she has in fact been provided with a supplemental stipend to enjoy even more cream filled cakes and pies, the theory being idle hands are on the devil's keyboard. Jam, who wrote an unforgettable column following the untimely and premature death of the actor and singer and homosexual Steven Gately, has been advised by e-mail, mobile, Twitter, courier pigeon and air drop (which was rather upsetting for Germans of a certain age) that under no circumstances should she dream of putting pen to paper following Winehouse's untimely demise.
Given what little is known about the exact circumstances of Ms. Winehouse's sad passing, Fleet Street held the wide view Jam's next column had virtually written itself.
"I mean, this is Christmas, Easter Candy and a fry up all rolled into one for her, innit?' said the editor. 'But she's been told in no uncertain terms not to say a peep. Rebekah Brooks doesn't fall from the sky every day, so everybody upstairs is keen to see she retains the title of most loathed person connected to a newspaper. They wanted to call it most loathed journalist writing for a newspaper, but even the hackers and stalkers objected to that. And they wanted to call it 'most loathed woman associated with a newspaper' but then you've got Harriet Harman on the line, haven't you, and who needs that?'