Essex euthanasia scandal. Day two

Funny story written by Les Being

Monday, 18 July 2011


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The Roast Swan, Landfill Tawny

The village green at Landfill Tawny which up until recently echoed to the sound of leather on willow and the voices of young children at play now drones to the sound of generators feeding electricity to the plethora of press and TV vans.

The usually calm and tranquil village has succumbed to the media furore surrounding recent events. The smell of scented flowers and cherry blossom has been replaced with the stench of diesel fumes as the village is engulfed in a media storm.

As the police investigations into Essex Media International (EMI), the Moonfruit Euthanasia Clinic and the Soylent Greed biscuit factory deepens, damming new evidence is coming to light. Police now believe that firm links have been established between the Soylent Green biscuit factory and the Norman Bates retirement home in Upper Schit Street.

A police insider told The Spoof that records uncovered during a dawn raid on the EMI headquarters in Slurry Bottom Lane show a direct financial link between EMI and the Norman Bates retirement home.

This is yet another twist in the extraordinary tale unfolding before us. The Norman Bates home is no stranger to controversy as it has been the subject of numerous investigations by both the local health authority and the police in recent years. Last year the home was closed down for three days following reports by a temporary worker that she had found post dated death certificates for residence who were still alive and well.

The home was only reopened when a senior staff member managed to assured authorities that there had been no sinister motive in post dating the death certificates. She explained that resident practitioner, Dr Hubert Strange was going on a sea cruise holiday at the time and merely pre dated the certificates as a precaution to cover his absence.

In light of recent events police are to reopen the investigation.

Meanwhile the Soylent Green biscuit factory has been closed while further investigations are carried out on the premises. Police have so far refused to say what the exact nature of these enquiries entail but speculation is rife among locals that the bodies of recently missing people may have been uncovered in a food storeroom at the factory. The police have refused to confirm or deny this shocking rumour.

Workers were unaware of the closure until they reported for work this morning. We spoke to one man, Arnold Splint who wishes to remain anonymous, who said, "This is fucking outra@*&us, today is payday. Any other fucking day but pa*&%ay"

Whilst the village struggles to cope with the media influx, one man, Cider Woods, landlord of The Roast Swan told me that business has never been so good. He went on to say; "Usually on a Monday things get a little quiet so I pop down to the golf course and get nine holes in. The last three days have been manic. Yesterday I ran out of swan for the main course and had to send someone down to Hullbridge to get some more, there were too many people around in Hullbridge during the day so I will have to go there myself tonight when its gets dark, it's a real pain".

It was in The Roast Swan that I met up with WPC Evelyn Hall of the metropolitan police. In a confidential interview she told me; "Senior officers believe that we haven't as yet even scratched the surface of this scandal. They believe that when the public find out the true nature of what has been going on in Landfill Tawny they will be shocked beyond belief".

She also told me that she was currently investigating the mystery surrounding the disappearance of local man and Titanic survivor, Bob Upndown who has not been seen since attending a family fun day at the Soylent Green biscuit factory early last summer.

From the bar of The Roast Swan I can see across the village square to the Moonfruit clinic. Hanging from an upstairs window is a large hand written banner saying; "Business as usual"

Neither Rupert Murder or Becky Redhead were available for comment. One local lady, Miss Sharon Slapper, unmarried mother of five, told me she had heard what sounded like a helicopter taking off from the grounds of Mr Murder's home in the early hours of this morning.

So far no arrests have been made.

We will bring you more as the story unfolds

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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