Written by Dr Jon

Saturday, 25 June 2011

image for Outrage as Average British Male realises gulf between him and Pippa Middleton
Got one of these? No? Thought not.

There was widespread disappointment amongst male British office workers today as it became clear that despite the amount of sheer bollocks spouted after four pints in the pub on Friday night, they are more likely to contract Dengue fever in Norwich than "get a crack" at Pippa Middleton.

Despite the desperate frequency with which desperate comments like "wouldn't say no", "couldn't kick her out of bed", "lovely piece of stuff" and "I'd show her a royal affair" are used by pissed losers across Britain, it is now a certainty that Ms Middleton, a glamorous socialite who mixes in the most exclusive circles in the country, will not "get it on" with a sweaty sadsack whose most suave seduction to date is that time he was let down gently by that girl on the fourth floor, not just frankly told to sling his hook.

Valid statistics show that she is very likely to end up with some obnoxious twat, probably called Oliver, who is very rich, plays polo, and actually prefers boys due the lingering trauma of his private eduction. The nearest a bloke called Gary who works the phone lines in insurance will get to her is when his cheap Ryan Air flight happens to fly over a luxury hotel in which she is staying.

Chillingly, it is clear that even Prince Harry, the racist ginger one who is so thick that even the Royal Family didn't bother trying to scam him a University place, is well up the queue ahead of a normal person on this one, such is the importance of social class in working out the odds.

Support groups for distressed saddos have tried to reassure Britain's losers by pointing out that Ms Middleton is only really attractive if you compare her with other posh women, and like all wealthy girls, she looks a bit like a horse.

They advise that that girl who works in Greggs is much prettier, but do concede that she is just as likely to tell you to piss off.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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