P.M. to K.O. U.K. acronyms A.S.A.P.

Wednesday, 9 November 2005

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T.B. P.M. (Tony Blair, Prime Minister)

Tony Blair wants to initiate a reduction in the O.T.T. use of acronyms across G.B. After recently returning to the U.K. from a top-level meeting with the C.E.O. of B.P. on a B.A. flight from the U.A.E. The P.M. has outlined plans to introduce a ban on most abbreviations A.S.A.P. Blair made his intentions known at 9 o'clock (G.M.T.) Wednesday a.m. at a Q&A session on H.M.S. Belfast with members of the P.A. during which he answered some F.A.Qs:

"Long-term acronym exposure is having a detrimental affect on our nation's health," said Blair, "it's impacting on the N.H.S. and leading to increased cases of C.J.D. in children, as well as causing P.M.T. in women."

The O.D.P.M. has been tasked by the P.M. to draft a white paper into setting up a P.P.P. initiative to abolish acronyms. They have commissioned a study by the D.T.I. into the L.T.E. of prolonged acronym usage. The report, the E.T.A. of which is just before the end of the next F.Y., is widely expected to announce similar findings to that of an identical study carried out last year in the U.S.A. by the I.R.S. and F.B.I. The U.S. report, which was published by V.P. Dick Cheney, stated that acronyms had encroached heavily into American parlance since the presidencies of J.F.K. and L.B.J., blaming the C.I.A. and N.A.S.A. for doing sweet F.A. to combat the increasing confusion. A preliminary draft of the D.T.I.'s report, which was leaked to the B.B.C. and I.T.V., allegedly shows an alarmingly identical increase in the use of jargon across the whole of the E.C. and the E.U.

In an added twist, I.T.N. has allegedly been passed a D.V.D. by the L.S.E. containing evidence including C.C.T.V. footage of a plot by the M.O.D. and MI5 to derail the O.D.P.M.'s white paper. Using their favoured M.O. of tapping B.T. lines, I.T.N. alleges that MI5 operatives spied on the D.T.I. The I.T. department of the D.T.I. reportedly found a bugging device fitted to one of their I.S.D.N. lines and rebuffed a computer worm, written in H.T.M.L. which had attempted to access their computer files through an H.D.L.C.

The Conservatives, who were once led by I.D.S., immediately condemned the move:
"Any more fiddling from Labour will affect the F.T.S.E." said Michael Howard, "The U.K. taxpayer will probably end up paying for all this through a rise in V.A.T."

What does it all mean?

P.M. - Prime Minister
K.O. - knock out
U.K. - United Kingdom
A.S.A.P. - as soon as possible
O.T.T. - over the top
G.B. - Great Britain
C.E.O. - chief executive officer
B.P. - British Petroleum
B.A. - the world's favourite airline
U.A.E. - United Arab Emirates
G.M.T. - Greenwich Meantime
a.m. - earlier than p.m.
Q&A - question and avoidance
H.M.S. - Her Majesty's Ship
P.A. - Press Association
F.A.Qs - Frequently Avoided Questions
N.H.S. - National Health Shambles
C.J.D. - mad cow disease
P.M.T. - mad cow disease
O.D.P.M. - Office of the Deputy Pie Muncher
P.P.P. - Public Private Partnership
D.T.I. - Department of Trade & Industry
L.T.E. - long-term effects
E.T.A. - estimated time of arrival
F.Y. - financial year
U.S.A. - United States of Aggression
I.R.S. - Inland Revenue Service
F.B.I. - Federal Bureau of Incompetence
V.P. - Vice President
J.F.K. - a dead president
L.B.J. - another dead president
C.I.A. - Central Incompetence Agency
N.A.S.A. - Not Another Space Accident
(Sweet) F.A. - not very much
B.B.C. - British Broadcasting Corps
I.T.V. - Independent Television
E.C. - Italian pronunciation of ‘easy'
E.U. - European Union
I.T.N. - Independent Television News
D.V.D. - Digital Versatile Disc
L.S.E. - London School of Eggheads
C.C.T.V. - closed circuit television
M.O.D. - Ministry of Defence
M.O. - modus operandi
B.T. - British Telecom
MI5 - classified
I.T. - where the nerds work
I.S.D.N. - not got a clue
H.T.M.L. - computer nerd language
H.D.L.C. - high data level link control
I.D.S. - Ian Duncan-Smith
F.T.S.E. - something to do with shares
V.A.T. - Gordon Brown's (alleged) personal money mountain

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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