Marmite Row Spreads To Tetley's Brewery Closure: Anti-Dane Feeling Grows

Funny story written by Ellis Ian Fields

Thursday, 26 May 2011

image for Marmite Row Spreads To Tetley's Brewery Closure: Anti-Dane Feeling Grows

News that an MP has tabled an Early Day Motion condemning the closure of Leeds's Tetley brewery has fuelled the growing anti-Dane mood in the UK.

As we reported yesterday, the Danish government's decision to ban the sale of Marmite in the country enraged patriotic Brits who turned out in their thousands to urge boycotts of productions of Shakespeare's Denmark-set Hamlet. (As we went to press, crowds were reported to be gathering outside the same theatres again this evening).

Now, Greg Mulholland, the Liberal Democrat MP for North West Leeds, has tabled an Early Day Motion in the House of Commons claiming the brewery closure is a betrayal of the city.

The motion reads: "That this House condemns the closure of the Tetley's Brewery which will take place on 17 June 2011, a decision taken by Carlsberg UK which will end the brewery's 189-year history and long-standing affiliation with Leeds by signalling the end of Tetley's as a Leeds beer."

The brewing giant, Carlsberg, is based in Copenhagen, the Danish capital.

In Leeds today the mood was becoming ugly.

Said Norman Throat, of Cross Gates: "Those bloody Vikings... come over 'ere and close our bloody breweries! Well, I'm not having any bloody Danish bacon from here on - and Danish pastries are out an'all."

And at the University's Philosophy Department, under-graduates were taking positive action.

Said second-year student Jeanette Sartre: "We're supposed to be writing assignments on Soren Kierkegaard but we've informed our tutors that all Danish thinking is being boycotted.

"After all, 'Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards,' ... oops, please don't quote me!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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