Duke of Cambridge's elevation sparks Fenland conflagration

Funny story written by Trewley Lean

Saturday, 30 April 2011

image for Duke of Cambridge's elevation sparks Fenland conflagration
Lord Browne's technologically advanced army prepares to engage the new Duke

Prince William's appointment as Duke if Cambridge has pushed East Anglia to the brink of civil war, as the Windsor dynasty's expansion re-ignites ancient feudal rivalries. With Lord Browne of Madingley encamped on the city's west, Baroness Trumpington firmly established in the south, the Earl of Chesterton commanding a loyal following to the east, and the north still firmly ruled by the Countess of Waterbeach, the new Duke has seized some academically hallowed but aristocratically contested terrain.

Military historian Dev Astate says "the proximity of Browne, a capable engineer who used to run BP, is especially troubling for the new Duke, who will have to deal with the threat of deep-sea drilling in his own adopted backyard. The Baroness is a Conservative peer, and Trumpington is separated from the city by a defensive network of private schools; but as it stands on the main road to London, it's a big logistical threat. Wills needs all his RAF skills to deal with any closure of Stansted Airport."

The 2002 death of Baron Bauer of Market Ward, whose title covered Cambridge's commercial centre including the strategically important Castle pub, is believed to have given the Queen the strategic advantage, enabling the ennobling of her grandson to this prized Fenland outpost. But Cambridge, Oliver Cromwell's intellectual base and scene of the horrific Café Culture Wars of the 1990s, remains a flashpoint of futile anachronisms, where relations among the warring landlords are far from collegiate.

A source from the Senate House, who wished to remain acrimonious, added: "The University is in the process of appointing a new Chancellor. With only one Royal on a shortlist of six, the Monarchy is clearly preparing for an alternative way to assert its authority. If William's Dad or one of his Uncles is appointed, it'll bolster the Windsors' East Anglian command, but could lead to some brutal family feuding - especially as the Duke and Duchess went to St Andrew's. And if a bigwig commoner gets the job on merit, Buckingham Palace's whole re-medievalisation strategy could be blown apart."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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