For hundreds of years, doctors assigned to the Royal Family have done their duty to see that all prospective brides of the Royals are pure and chaste. This procedure involves interviews, confessions, and a physical examination to verify that the hymen is intact.
The procedure was conducted in the early 1980's for (Princess Di) Diana Spencer before her wedding to Prince Charles. The inspection of Kate Middleton, however, was not successful and she has not been approved for marriage to Prince William.
Lord (Dr.) Latham Winter-Smythe, speaking on conditions of anonymity, offered the following statement: "Well, to use an American colloquialism from their south, it looked like this girl had been banging like a screen door in a tornado. There wasn't any trace of a hymen anywhere in the young lady... er, maybe I should say young woman instead."
"Under these conditions, Catherine Elizabeth Middleton, known as Kate, is not permitted marriage into the Royal Family at this time. Should William wish to forfeit his rights to the throne, this marriage will be approved. He might also keep the woman as a royal consort without a royally sanctioned marriage as his father has done with that Camilla woman."
When press members at the news conference pointed out that it was likely Prince William himself was the one that had been doing the "banging" for several years, Lord Winter-Smythe replied by saying that "yes, but young men in the royal family are expected to sow their royal oats. Young women wishing to marry into the royal family, however, should not have been planted repeatedly."