Irish diplomats have finally admitted that Libyan dictator Colonel Gaddafi is a native Irishman and relative of gombeen politician Jackie Healy Rae.
The very bold leader has tried to cover the secret for decades but since the collapse of his iron-fisted rule recently, rumours began to spread about his true nationality.
A maid accidentally walked into the bathroom of his lush mansion and found him hunched over - not wanking, as you might have suspected - but instead washing his hair.
"Beneath that ruggedly handsome dark exterior he is really just a ginger minger", she later told an international press association.
'Ginger mingers', or red headed uglies as they are properly called, originate from only three places in the world: Scotland, West Yorkshire and Ireland.
Next, a group of speech therapists and body language experts carefully studied Gadaffi's speech patterns by listening to hours of shite speeches he's made over the years.
"By viewing video footage, what we were immediately drawn to was that he always seemed to be wearing some stupid-looking green headgear - a military cap, a girly headdress, and so on. On closer inspection we noticed that they contained a hidden electronic device that distorts the voice. It showed us that Gadaffi actually speaks differently than what we initially perceived"
What they then discovered was startling.
"Colonel Gadaffi is a Kerryman. He has the distinctive high-pitched, grating voice particular to that species", an expert said.
"He even stands like a Kerryman. He is often to be seen leaning over a gate while wearing a pair of dirty wellies, cloth cap on his head, a bit of straw poking from his lower lip"
The experts did a comparison of his DNA with that of South Kerry independent politician Jackie Healy Rae and they closely matched - particularly the gene that controls the desire to stay in government at any cost.
"We even found a picture of Colonel Gadaffi at an All-Ireland Final in Croke Park, standing proudly on Hill 16 while holding the famous John 3:7 sign", they added as further proof.
The Irish government gave in to pressure and admitted that Gadaffi is an Irish citizen and often returns home.
His last visit was when he off-loaded a lot of jewellery at one of those little counters where they purchase gold for cash in The Ilac Centre in Dublin.
