A gay man has reported that nothing remotely interesting happened to him today.
Larry Sabu, 20, a well-known member of the local homosexual league, told us that he spent the entire day free from fey innuendo or press-titillating shite.
"I got up, had me breakfast, went to the shops, came home and had a bit of a nap in front of the telly," Larry said.
"I walked past the school three times, and not even once did my penis slip out of my trousers. Nor did I have the urge to shove a banana up my bum."
This is in stark contrast to practically every other day of the year in the life of Larry Sabu.
Just last Thursday, for instance, innuendo about Larry's penis caused a five-mile tailback at the local petting zoo when he said he was going to 'hold a cock'.
He was responsible for a remarkable prison riot in Scunthorpe over the weekend when he bent over to pick up a bar of soap he had dropped outside its gates.
"I like to bathe in the fresh air. Near prisons. But there was a mad rush for my bottom. It was like Beatlemania...except with my arse instead of that arse, Ringo. I just seem to attract trouble," Larry admitted.
