Shylock Humes: The hound of the Basketvills: Part 2

Funny story written by armfeetandtoe

Monday, 17 January 2011


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image for Shylock Humes: The hound of the Basketvills: Part 2
Lord Basketvill IIIV

After a good nights sleep, Shylock rang the servants bell on his bedroom wall. After a short while, there was a knock on the door. "Come in" Shouted Shylock.

A toothless old crone entered the room. "You rang sir".
"Yes, would it be possible to have a towel for my morning ablutions?" Enquired Shylock.

"No sir", the woman replied, "its out".
"Well what about soap?" Asked Shylock.
"Graves is using it to wash the dog" smiled the old crone.
"Then what do I use woman!" Shouted Shylock.
"I've got sum sugar soap" replied the crone.
"Then that will have to do" Sighed Shylock.

The crone left, and returned with the Sugar soap.
Washed and dressed, Shylock made his way down the ornate staircase to the breakfast room. As he entered, he was greeted by Lord Basketvill.

"Morning Shylock!" Shouted Lord Basketvill, "Did you have a good sleep old man!".

"Yes, Me Lord, although Graves did snore quite loudly".
"What have I told you about sleeping with the guests Graves!", Shouted Lord Basketvill.
"Sorry serd" replied Graves.

"Show Mr Humes his chair Graves". Instructed Lord Basketvill. Graves pointed to a chair. "Das ones der".

Shylock sat, and asked for bacon and eggs. A plate was put down on the table in front of him.
"Err, Graves", Said Shylock, "Do you think I might have the bacon grilled and the eggs fried?"

"Of course serd" Sniggered Graves", as he removed the raw eggs and bacon. "I will have a word wiv der cook bloke".

Lady Basketvill entered, and the breakfast room fell silent.
Shylock spoke. "Lady Basketvill, I deduce you are wearing your nightdress, back to front".

"How do you know that!" Enquired Lord Basketvill.
"The skid marks down the front of the attire", replied Shylock, with an air of smugness.

"Oh!" Screeched Lady Basketvill, and left the room.
"Dotty old bag", Mumbled Lord Basketvill.

After breakfast, the two men retired to the Vivarium.
"Lets get down to business Shylock". Said Lord Basketvill.
"Yes, we must find out who murdered your brother", replied Shylock. The room went quiet, a pin could have been heard hitting the Victorian Parkie lino. (yes, I know I said 18th century in the last chapter).
"Ooowww, fuck!" Cried Graves.
"Whats wrong Graves?" Enquired Shylock.
"Just trod on a pin serd" replied Graves.

"Why do you think my brother was murdered Humes" asked Lord Basketvill, "He died like all Basketvills, alcohol".
"I know your brother was run over by a Guiness cart, Lord Basketvill, but his injuries do not match up" replied Shylock. Lord Basketvill moved uneasy in his chair.

"Hemeroids", Whispered Graves, in Shylocks ear.
"Your brother, had several severe bite marks on him. He also had a severed arm and leg". Stated Shylock.

"My god!", Shouted Lord Basketvill, "Do you mean he was attacked by a large dog on the Basketvill moor!"

"We shall see, Lord Basketville

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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