Written by Lady Godiva

Monday, 10 January 2011

image for Isle of Wight News - Millions of dead worms found on top of lawns in Newby Village
Newby grass BEFORE the worms surfaced and died in their millions

Villagers living in Newby, Isle of Wight, awoke to a disturbing sight this morning. Lawns throughout the village are covered with millions of dead garden worms. Not an inch of green grass can be seen.

Even the 'early birds' were not coming down for easy picking as it is know they only eat live worms. They know instinctively to leave dead worms alone.

Local Mayor, Arthur Askme, has called a village meeting in the Community Hall to discuss this strange phenomenon.

Mr. Ivor Notion, science teacher at Newby Elementary School, has been invited to give his 'expert' views on the subject, as has Father Michael (Mike) Hunt, minister at the local Methodist Church.

It is hoped, between the two of them that Ivor Notion and Father Mike will be able to come up with some explanation with which to satisfy concerned villages.

The rest of the Isle appears to have escaped this latest 'happening'.

When asked, prior to meeting, their opinions, which they will be sharing with the villagers, Mr. Ivor Notion said that he did think the worms may well have died as a result of a recent decision by some town councellors to water the village lawns with urine. Apparently, they had read on The Spoof, that urine is purported to contain many nutrients which would help the grass grown lush and green.

This practise had been going on for 2 months. It is now believed by Mr. Ivor Notion, that it was, in fact, the urine that killed off the worms who had tried to surface, albeit too late, to escape the acidic liquid.

Father Mike Hunt, however, did not agree at all with this reasoning as he believed it to be a punishment from God as a direct result of village women recently choosing to ignore a long-standing bylaw which stated that they were NOT to hang their washing out on Sundays.

During the previous 3 months, women who worked during the week and decided to protest the bylaw and had been doing their washing on Sunday mornings, hanging it out to dry in the afternoons. They argued that they just didn't have time during the week or on Saturdays, to do washing.

Whatever the reason, the dead worms are covering the lawns and are drying out.

Dick Green, president of the Newby Horticultural Society, says his members are concerned about the fact that the worms may contain toxins. They want them removed and taken to the Poisons Recycling Plant just outside the village, to be disposed of in a safe manner.

The local Boy Scouts and Girl Guides have offered to do the 'clean up' for a price.

Negotiations are under way.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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