University fees - the truth they wanted hidden

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 13 December 2010

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It is an inconceivable amount of money

Universities are set to introduce annual fees of at least six thousand pound per student under the guise that the money is necessary for funding a better quality high education.

But this is simply not true.

Universities do not operate in the same way as a school, and have no limits on class sizes; they are delivered in lecturer format. Even the less attended courses, such as "Swahili" or "Musical theory of the fourteenth century" attract a dozen students, while the more popular subjects such as Sports Science and Media Studies attract over a hundred students per class. The average class size is approximately seventy-five students - although Applied Theoretical Maths attracts an irrational number of students. A typical university, such as Liverpool's John Moore's University, attracts over twenty thousand students a year. This means universities will rake in one hundred and twenty million pounds a year under the new price scheme. In student fees alone. From the government, they receive another four thousand per student.

On top of this, a lot of the courses see the production of items that the universities sell, which has an estimated income per university of fifteen million pounds. Some of the high quality universities will bring in twice that in patents and products. Additionally, Universities run student accommodation at a profit. Over a typical four year course, a university will bring in up to half a billion pounds. Each. With three hundred and twenty-five universities in the UK this will raise two hundred and sixty nine BILLION pounds every four years.

It does not take one of the hundred plus business studies students in any university you care to name, to realise that universities could operate on far less than this.

"By reducing the number of lecturers, or combining courses, or both, there would be considerable cost savings," said Shaun O'Hare, a member of the University Clearing House, UCAS. "They spend most of the day doing nothing anyway. Even without taking such cost saving measures, you have to ask why a typical university is spending over a hundred million pounds a year, and what are they spending it on."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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