'Honking Horns, Shouting at Others, Revving Engines Will Make Traffic Move a Hell Load Faster' says Transport Secretary

Funny story written by Inhopeless

Saturday, 13 November 2010

image for 'Honking Horns, Shouting at Others, Revving Engines Will Make Traffic Move a Hell Load Faster' says Transport Secretary
Horn Honking Will Make This A Thing of the Past

BIRMINGHAM - A new Ministry of Transport report confirms what everbody has been doing since the 1960s. Honking horns, shouting profanities at other drivers, revving engines do move traffic along faster.

The report analysed over 250 miles of motorway, dual-carrigways, roads, streets, and other traffic paths through the metropolitian area of Birmingham.

"We picked Birmingham," said analyst Sam Smith, "because the city is a major throughfare for UK traffic, with Spagetti Junction (M6J6/Gravelly Hill Interchange) being the densest traffic junction in Western Europe. It also has the only toll road in Britain (M6 Toll). Also, there is a ratio of 1:6, for every six square miles of the city, there is one square mile equivilent of tarmacked roadway."

The study found that for every clear road, there was three roads full of traffic.

Luckily, for those who have no idea how this 'honking' technique works, a memo from the report was emailed to Inhopeless.

1) Slam the central button on your steering wheel. This will make the vehicle emit an F# note alerting other road users that you are in a hurry
2) Other road users will then sense your urgency and move out of the way
3) Repeatly pressing the button will make sure others get out of the way much much faster, and holding it down will do it even faster

Of course if that doesn't work, then spewing profanities will work as good.

In our trials outside the Spoof's Birmingham office, we found out that honking does work.

Okay, now I can transfer this from my laptop, purile Birmingham traffic. You know, a bunch of pen-toting guys from the government asked me how long are my traffic jams. They were making a fricking one asking me! Self-fufilling prophecies.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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