Written by Sidney Bollocks

Thursday, 30 September 2010

image for 10 million unemployed people strike over their right to remain unemployed
"They can fuck off, I'm not accepting me benefits this week"

Today, 10 million unemployed people will go on strike, protesting against government moves to assist them to find work. The strike is being backed by the TGWU (Tossers & General Wasters Union), who have threatened to withdraw their support from the Labour party, if the opposition does not fight this government policy.

The strike is unlikely to bring the country to a standstill, but may have an almost discernible impact on Job Centres and Post Offices, as the unemployed refuse to fill in Job Centre forms, refuse to accept credit transfers into their bank accounts and make arrangements for relatives to collect hardship payments from Post Offices for them.

Bob Trotsky, regional officer for the TGWU, said "It's a fucking travesty that the government is trying to force our members back into the workforce. Our members have strong principals and will not engage in any activity which renders them slaves to global capitalism. They simply refuse to contribute to production, commerce and wealth creation. They are also concerned by their individual methane footprints and will not add to the crisis that is global warming".

Gazza and Delphine Parasitic-Scrounger, who, between them, have racked up 25 years of proud unemployment, said "We're dead fucking chuffed with what we've done. We've had hundreds of thousands out of the welfare. We smoke 40 fags a day, drink 8 cans of White Lightning, eat at Maccas, go to the bookies and we have helped populate the world. We've had 27 kids, most of them taken by social services and farmed out to childless couples. The ones we kept, we sold into the sex trade. The fucking country needs people like us, we use our benefits to stimulate the economy".

A spokesman from Job Centre Plus, Pedro Hastamanyana-Siesta, said "We have to look at this positively. If it wasn't for the several million unemployed, countless public servants would be out of a job, and we can't be having that, can we?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Strike, Unemployment

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