Written by JP Johnston

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

image for Fife Council to "Resettle" Troubled Population
Council promises "Free Buckfast After a Hot Shower."

In a move to dramatically reduce spending and make savings of almost £50k, Executives at Fife Council are considering plans to "Resettle in the East Neuk" inhabitants of some of Fife's most notorious streets and housing estates.

"This will reduce wear on roads, reduce the amount of refuse produced, remove many familiar names from the Housing Benefit books, and many other knock-on effects," said Chief Economist Lionel Tieth. "The cost of resettlement would be offset additionally by the sale of soap, gold, skin and hair products, and a sale of supercharged, body-kitted Vauxhall Novas. Depending on the international price of Burberry caps, the whole cost of each unit to be processed could be reduced by around 50 per cent."

"This is not racism" said Dr Tieth. "Those being resettled are not of any particular race or religion. Fife Council has led the way in Equal Opportunities in the past and will continue to do so. If those selected for Special Treatment at our Leven facility have anything in common it is a low average rate of exam passes and a high dependence on benefits."

The overall plan is to reduce population in the region by around 25 000 or ten percent. Other Councils across the UK will watch the experiment with interest. Glasgow Council has an estimated surplus population of almost 800 000 people, while Birmingham may be looking at as many as three million.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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