Believers say "It's a miracle!" as Pope appears in Five Places at Once but Vigilant Police Soon Smell a Rat.
Five alleged members of a paedophile ring are in custody today as police uncovered a plot to drive around in public dressed as the Pope in an attempt to kiss babies. The Papal Protection Unit were stunned when the Pontiff appeared simultaneously in front of adoring crowds in Edinburgh, Birmingham, Twickenham, Lambeth and Hyde Park.
Supporters insisted it was a miracle, but one observant officer at Twickenham radioed through to headquarters when he realised the Pope was in his early twenties and wearing trainers. Soon reports began coming in of shady-looking Popes cruising round encouraging women to hold up their babies for a Papal blessing.
An eye-witness in Birmingham said: "I was disappointed by the Popemobile, which was basically a green Ford Fiesta with "Up the Pope" written on the side in Tippex. And I didn't realise the Pope had long greasy hair. He looked nothing like he does on the telly but maybe that will change when High Definition TV comes in."
A serious crush developed in Hyde Park as hordes of Polish women with buggies ran alongside the phony cavalcade, shouting "Kiss mine!" A police spokesman said: "The fake Pope didn't have much chance to do any damage. Four officers wrestled him to the ground as he was beckoning a cute blonde toddler."
The real Pontiff was found to be the one in Lambeth. He was released after briefly being held in a headlock while officers checked his credentials.