A woman accused of urinating on a war memorial has vehemently denied the accusation and also rejected claims that she performed a sex act on a man nearby.
Blackpool woman, Chantelle Muff, 19, reacted angrily to the allegations by fuming "I'd been out for a quiet drink with the girls and decided to take the weight off my feet. The war memorial steps seemed the perfect place to do so whilst reflecting on our soldier's brave sacrifice. It was so peaceful and poignant. I could see the stars and a poppy gently swaying in the breeze. It was almost romantic in a funny kind of way" she added.
Chantelle went on "I was then awoken from my quiet reflection and silent tribute to notice that the memorial was heavily soiled by the local pigeon population. It was disgusting and a real smack in the face to these brave men's memory. I knew right there and then what i needed to do. I put my bag of chips down, hitched up my skirt and discreetly urinated all over the bird mess."
Chantelle explained "I was scrubbing the steps with my knickers when a good samaritan saw what I was trying to do and decided to help me clean up the memorial. He was like a knight in shining armour. He must have been stood in front of me when I lost my balance and my mouth accidentally fell onto his erect penis." Chantelle went on "The CCTV footage later shown to me by the police recorded that I'd been stuck on the mans private parts for 2mins 38 secs. I definitely wasn't. I'm not that kind of girl" said the single mother of seven. I think the police doctored the tape" she moaned.
The public spirited servant, Chantelle, was later cleared of all charges of outraging public decency but was advised to use Cilit Bang in future. The court also awarded her 85 pence expenses after it emerged that she had p*ssed on her chips.