My Wife's Cats Deserve To Die

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Sunday, 25 April 2010

image for My Wife's Cats Deserve To Die
They are evil, and must be eliminated with the rest of the demon spawn

Yes, the headline says it all. My wife's cats deserve to die. Just like mass murderers like Saddaam, just like pedophile rapists like Polanski, just like cult leader scum like Jim Johnson, these cats have no saving graces or redeemable qualities.

It was them I was thinking about when I wrote my story on How to Skin a Cat. It was them that I wrote about when I shared this experience.

My wife went out of town for the weekend to help take care of her mother (who is ill). She left Friday when she got off or work and will not be back into town until Sunday afternoon or evening.

Last night, I went to bed by myself (in our king sized bed). About 3:30 this morning, I woke up to find that a cat was standing on my legs. Since it was soooooo fat, I knew that it was Micah (Sassy, the other cat, looks anorexic... but the Vet says she's healthy). Well, instead of getting off when I moved my legs, Micah proceeded to pee on me.

That's right, call it what you will, he tinkled, peed, pissed, urinated all over the bed and all over my legs.

I checked his food bowl to see what angered him and it was okay. It wasn't full, but it wasn't empty. The water bowl was also in good shape. I did notice, however, that the path to one of the litter boxes was blocked by some stuff that I was working on the previous day.

Please notice that I said "one" of the litter boxes. We have to have two of them... in the same room... because I guess cats can't share the same toilet. They can lick their asses, but they can't pee where some other cat already did their business.

I moved the stuff out of the way, giving access to this litter box (and I honestly don't know if it was the reason, because I don't pay attention to where each cat voids their waste).

It was 3:30 in the morning, I was tired, I was pissed (both "off" and "on), and I didn't feel like changing the sheets (call me lazy). I simply got up, wiped myself off, changed night clothes, and moved to my wife's side of the bed.

Note: Yes, even when she's not there, I still sleep on my side of the bed.

Anyway, about six this morning, I felt the skinny cat on top of me. She was standing on top of my legs and also peeing. My motion actually flipped her across the room (no grief on my part, however).

A check of the water and food situation found everything was okay with her, and both litter boxes still had access.

Even though the two of them can't pee in the same litter box, it seems that they both wanted to mark my legs as "their territory."

Needless to say, I have not seen either cat since their individual episodes. If I do, we have a big dog crate in the garage, and they are going inside (together). There is a small litter box in there, and they will have to learn how to share.

If there were a Vietnamese family in the neighborhood, I'd offer them Sunday dinner.

These cats deserve to die.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more