Whitehall - (Coalition Ass Mess): The stench of yet another hoax royal wedding is overpowering.
An announcement from No 10 today confirms that Labour hatchet man Alan Milburn has been appointed as Minister for Social Climbing.
His job is to rebrand daftass stick insect Kate Middleton and her hideously ambitious gargoyle family.
The appointment follows last year's disaster of Middleton being outed as the niece of Costa Del Crimewave cocaine dealer Gary Goldsmith.
Further calamity struck when the BP royal wedding slush fund went down the swanee with the Deepwater Horizon disaster in May.
This means there is zero chance of the Palace getting its filthy money grabbing mitts on the requisite $50 million nuptial dosh.
Prince Harry is to become a father - again! - next month.