The cold hand of Austerity Britain threatens to dampen the nuptial ardour of Isle of Wight couples, writes Honey Moon, Births, Marriages & Deaths, Military History, Poultry, Motoring, Tartan, Drainage and Mountaineering Correspondent.
The Isle of Wight Council has announced a stringent programme of spending cuts. Many cherished services, such as free trombone lessons for the elderly and the Yarmouth Pet Waistcoat Loan Bureau, will be axed, and the Registrar of Births, Deaths & Marriages Service is to bear its fair share of the economic burden.
The Council currently rents a room at Prosthetic House, the Cowes Headquarters of Quilp & Clamber Ltd, Manufacturers of artificial elbows and kneecaps. But the cost of the rental has become prohibitive in the present economic climate, according to Bernard Trivett, the Council's Head of Tactical Strategic Operations.
"In the present economic climate, the rental of this room at Prosthetic House, the Cowes Headquarters of Quilp & Clamber Ltd, Manufacturers of artificial elbows and kneecaps, has become prohibitive", Mr Trivett told me yesterday.
"The continued use of such a large and expensive facility would have sat ill alongside the discontinuation of long-valued services like the Sandown Mobile Maypole and the Brighstone and Brook Village Idiot Bank.
"Besides the cost, we were getting increasing numbers of complaints about wedding parties having to negotiate heaps of prosthetic limbs and children being frightened by the sight of artifical kneecaps being tested in the Victorian Gardens of Prosthetic House. We have thus been forced to discontinue wedding services at this venue."
Mr Trivett explained that, from September, ceremonies will be carried out at a new location in Totland. "From September, ceremonies will be carried out at a new location in Totland", he explained. "It has not been easy, given the present economic parameters which must delineate our purview", he said, somewhat mysteriously. "But we have managed to secure the lease on an alternative property in the picturesque setting of Totland."
This venue, a former whelk stall, can only house two people beneath its awning at once, but Mr Trivett was quick to staunch any incipient rivulets of disbelief I might be feeling. "The happy couple will stand beneath the facility's canopy, and the rest of the party - including the two registrars - can arrange themselves beyond the counter. Close family and friends may even lean against the counter. We anticipate that wedding parties will enjoy the traditional seaside whelk stall ambience, and that such raucous, "saucy postcard" cries as "this all smells a bit fishy!" and "watch them whelks don't go off, Vicar!" will enliven many a ceremony.
"There will be weddings to remember, and, if the party remains in Totland for the rest of the day, they can take in the views of the disused pier and enjoy the famous Totland Bay sunsets."
Mr Trivett finished by saying that, long term, the Council does intend to seek a larger venue, when the economy improves. "We have high hopes for the Wroxall Donkey Sanctuary, and the Bembridge Windmill has responded favourably to our overtures thus far", he confirmed.
But August 28th will be the last day of weddings at Prosthetic House. "It will be a sad day in many ways", admitted Mr Trivett, "but we are hoping to introduce a note of levity and celebration, with the assistance of Quilp & Clamber's Managing Director John Silverlong, who has generously agreed to donate the prosthetic limb of their choice to each bride, groom, best man and bridesmaid who uses the facility on the last day.
"It's a grand way to mark the end of an era, and it shows once again how the Council strives to integrate its Tactical Strategic Operations with our local communities."
Mr Trivett was at pains to deny the rumour that a short term lease only had been secured on the Totland venue, and that the Council were concealing plans to hold weddings in a converted chemical toilet which would house only one person. "This is a scurrilous and absurd claim" he retorted. "We wouldn't be able to hold a wedding if only one person could fit in. How would that square with the Council's mission statement on the sanctity of island marriages?"
He did admit though that the Council has earmarked a number of private properties, including allotment sheds, outside toilets and beach huts, as "emergency venues", should the Totland facility have to close for any reason, such as stormy weather; - or indeed a glut of whelks leading to a bull market, like the one of 1965, when every available facility, from hearses to wheelbarrows, had to be commandeered, and all able-bodied males over the age of 15 conscripted into the "whelk trade warriors", in order that as many whelks as possible might be sold before they "turned".
