Ever wondered why bad things happen to people? Have you ever pondered your own mortality? Or considered why it is that 'luck' just isn't on your side? Well maybe you have the 'Bastard Particle'.
Scientists from the USA, Sweden, Japan and Bournemouth have been busily working away to find the answers to these burning questions, and the results are enough to make your nose bleed.
Victor Quark, lead boffin, enthusiastically tells us "we have been struggling to identify a common theme between so called 'unlucky' occurences, such as car crashes, tripping in the street and dropping ketchup on your clean shirt."
"At first we tried to rule out the obvious factors such as witchcraft, voodoo or punishment from God. We then looked at clumsiness and general lack of concentration. Could these things cause accidents and mishaps? We figured not, too much like coincidence."
Larry Gonzalez, head of testing, takes over "the main thing is to find a core ingredient, that one thing that singles you out as unlucky! Why does Ted Bighead next door marry the pretty girl, land the high-paid job, win on the races? And you get a shit life? Why?"
"Well after months of testing, questioning and prodding stuff in a lab, we finally have the answer!" he continued,
"each person is born with one of two particles that determines their fortunes. It's there. You can't change it, you can't manipulate it. It just is!"
"These particles act as magnets for good and bad events! These previously accepted random acts, are infact attracted to your specific particle. And, just like a magnet, the opposite type of act is repelled by the magnet!"
"You either have the Whoop Particle or the Bastard Particle. Those born with the Whoop Particle have good fortune, they turn shite into gold, if they were to fall into acid it would turn out to be scented water, if they had a bus crash they'd come out unscathed, saving a child and getting the girl!"
"But approximately 97.6% of us are born with the Bastard Particle. We lose the lottery every week, we will step in dog mess in a strictly 'no dogs' area, we will land a reasonable job, only to be told two days after starting that the owners have sold up and are shutting the place!"
The findings have been dismissed by Roger Gogetready, a leading researcher into the unexplained. Unfortunately we have no quote as Mr Gogetready was hit by a bus on the way to our meeting. Gonzalez simply explains "he had the Bastard Particle!"
So, what does this mean for us? Is that really our lot in life? Doomed to suffer every peice of crap life throws at us, and never being able to do anything about it? Well, not neccessarily.
Dr Quark explains "we are looking into the possibility of different strength particles, just as you have strong or weak magnets, you may get strong or weak particles, if thats the case we could look at possibly reversing the polarity of a Bastard particle and thus making that persons life experiences so much better!"
The outlook is at least a little more positive for those of us burdened with the Bastard Particle, this journalist has heard that the good doctors are considering an attempt at the worlds first particle transplant.
I'd hate to be the unlucky bastard in that operation!